I’m in love with your Ghost

God bless the Indigo Girls for the lyrics of their song ‘Ghost’ as it provides a doorway for me to feel the presence of my grief and love for my father.  The 25^th of June this year is a very special day, as it marks the 10 year anniversary of my father’s death.  He was taken from us by the mysterious dark cloud of Cancer. I watched it carry him away bit by painful bit. In the past ten years I have developed my own understanding of grief and how it evolves and have also grown to be in love with my father’s ghost!

He left me with the most powerful gift of love and faith…..

I was living in the States when I had to make the call to come home to be with him in his last moments.  Two days prior to my instant decision that it was time to go, I found out I was pregnant, it was the same day I purchased my ticket to fly to Sydney.  He was in hospital when I got to Newcastle, i hardly recognised this wilting man but my god, it was good to see him.  Two weeks later at his request he came home, hospital bed and all. Paliative care nurses visited him daily administering him pain medication, bathing him and offering support while he shrank and we waited. It was the longest 3 weeks of my life, waiting for him to die and sometimes even wishing he would hurry up and just let go.

I had my 2 year old daughter and my husband with me, caring for Madison, waiting, being extremely tired from my pregnancy, waiting, the constant discussions about how he as ‘going’ was taxing on this pregnant and emotional woman and one day I made the call to spend a night in Sydney to get some much needed respite. I left to spend the night with my best and most beloved friend, Louise, knowing that I may never again see him alive and somehow knowing that is what he was waiting for.  Even back then, I understood enough about my intuition to trust that leaving him was the right thing to do.  My husband asked me several times if I was sure I wanted to leave and I assured him it was what we both needed to do.

The last conversation I ever had with my father came from a place i didn’t know existed, the words I shared with him were as profound as I had ever spoken, he had slipped into a coma by this stage… It went something like this… “Dad if you can hear me squeeze your eyes”, he squeezed his eyes tight. “Dad I know it’s time for you to let go, I know you love me and you must always know, that I love you, it’s important for you to decide where you are going to go from here Dad, as it is your faith in life ever after that will determine where you end up. Go with faith and knowing that you did your best and be at peace with your life here. You have given me so many gifts in this lifetime, the gift of being my father,  I love you, do not be afraid, trust and be at peace….”  and so on…. I felt satisfied I had shared with  him my last thoughts and there was nothing more I could say to let him go peacefully…

That night about 11.30pm the phone rang, it was my step mother saying he had gone and could I please call me brothers to tell them.  I was not surprised but humbled and shared the news with my brothers and my mother and peacefully, relieved,  went back to sleep.  We drove back to his home the next day and found out he had taken his last breath and simply let go, he drifted off to his heaven…

Many confusing emotions consumed me but reading his eulogy in front of at least 200 people, I knew he was with me, hovering by my right shoulder, giving me strength to continue, loving me, I could feel his pride…  I will never deliver a message with such confidence and clarity again.

After many sleepless nights, uncontrollable sobbing calls to my mother in Australia in the middle of the night, consumed with grief, anti-depressants and the feeling of aloneness I have never since felt, I wondered if I will ever cope with him dying.  Now ten years on, i know this to be true: Grief never goes away but I get more used to the feeling of it living with me. Someone you love who dies, never really leaves because they live in your heart and whenever you think about them the feeling is remembered, relived.  If I sit and think of my love for him, it consumes me and I feel it’s enormous strength well up in me.  I can duplicate the intensity of such love whenever I need him around me and whenever I want to feel loved.  Today was one of those days and I feel blessed to still have him so close, ironically, closer than ever before.

My father left me with the most powerful gift, the gift of FAITH - Faith in myself, faith in life after death, faith in love and faith in my intuition.  I know there are times when I need guidance and all i have to do is close my eyes, ask the questions I want answered and the answers come. Sometimes I imagine it is dad answering me, it feels right to have him close again, whispering in my ear and other times it’s just me, in any case, it feels good and the answers are always right.

I share this with you because I wonder where in your life do you need to have a little more faith?  I share this because I wonder if you too are grieving, if you can allow yourself to get more ‘used to the feeling’ as opposed to wishing it away. I share this with you because I wonder how much you are relying on your intuition to give you the answers to life’s many questions. I share this with you because today I wish to honour my father for being perfect in his imperfections, he has given me the lesson of ‘allowing’ and that of unconditional love…..

Yours Real and Raw,

Janelle Manton

Daughter of Barry Michael Patrick Manton

21st May 1940 -25th June 1999

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