Lucky Star - My 40th Birthday Tribute

Inspiring Women of Yesteryear

Sex and Emotional Attachment

Can women have sex with a man and not get emotionally involved?  And when is the right time to have sex with someone you meet…? Is there a right time? 

Are women really capable of detaching from our emotional nature in order to have a short term win in the form of a one night stand or a ‘friends with benefits’ kind of relationship without getting involved?

And does any woman reallyhave sex for the sake of having sex and getting off or are there deeper needs she is  trying to fulfill?

Emotional attachment is an inevitable and most likely outcome for women after sex as it is simply part of their nature. We are emotional beings, we feel and therefore we are.  I read somewhere not so long ago that women tend to become emotionally connected for up to three weeks after a sexual encounter. When I thought about the reasons why that specific amount of time,  I reasoned, 21 days to create a habit, 21 days to break one… Well I don’t actually agree with that statement for many reasons. The first one being, I believe you can break a habit immediately if you choose to and while it could take 21 days to create a habit, when it comes to sleeping with someone, well, that could only take 21 minutes.

Most importantly, the thing we need to remember is that women are emotional animals and yes, we are animals after all (let’s not forget that).  Men on the other hand (whilst still animals…. grrr) have a different instinct to us girls…. A genetic predisposition to procreate and get as much practise in spreading their seed as possible… It’s what keeps the world populated.  But unlike us girls, they can ‘do it’ without the emotional attachment, yes, that means wham bam thank you mamm! 

But the question is, can women do the same thing without getting emotionally attached?

Are women truly capable of the kind of freedom that allows us to be sexually active without emotional attachment?

One of my long time friends, is the most gorgeous and enigmatic, energetic woman, open and free, well spoken, well put together, successful, confident and newly separated.  She was married for nearly 7 years and is now finding herself for the first time perhaps in years.  She looks and breathes confidence and regularly hooks up with delicious men.  She says she just likes to F#&* and get out of there and is totally ok with nothing more…. But I beg to differ. I watch and listen very closely to her and notice times of self sabotaging behaviour, ridicule and moments where she beats herself up and is regretful (unbeknownst to her I see these things). Now she has never admitted she is lonely and wishes they’d call her, in fact, she blows off the ‘contact after sex’ and makes out she doesn’t want them to bother her but I suspect deep hurt at the underlying rejection that is really going on. Samantha says she is in control, but her non-actions might reflect the opposite view…

Another woman I know, admittedly loves sex, sleeps with whom ever she chooses, she is also confident but openly suffers the rejection and disappointment she feels after her ‘encounters’. She says she is has a great time, the best sex ever  with her conquests and then gets let down when they do not call to ask her out a second time.  I suspect her ‘good time gal’ attitude is more a cover up for what she really wants and is not getting. The connection she is getting from a casual encounter is a temporary relief for her lonely and frightened heart….. A tall diagnosis and it breaks my heart to see her in a constant state of pain.  Her emotional attachment is obvious and with great expectations that are continuously being unfulfilled…

So this is what I have become to think and know… As a coach, a single sexually active woman and a friend to many women - we are not totally capable of having a sex without getting emotionally involved to some degree….. So be careful who you choose to have sex with ladies! 

At the end of the day, no matter how tough and detached you think you are, you cannot lie to your natural instincts - you are an emotional being.  There are many factors to consider when having sex with someone and many reasons why a woman would choose to go ‘there’. You’ve got physical attraction and wanting to shag a man just because he is gorgeous, intellectual attraction and that feeling of familiarity or similarity - he mentally stimulates you, feelings of love and wanting to share an intimate part of you, an expression of your love for another, the physical need to feel sexual relief…

No matter what the reason you choose to have sex with someone, there are several facts that remain. When you have sex, you surrender yourself to that person, as a woman you become vulnerable and raw and you open yourself and your body up to a level of intimacy that you only ever share with yourself (when self ‘loving’). 

To share your body with another and expect that you will not be emotionally involved is really only lying to yourself. 

When I ask women what their thoughts are on the word vulnerability, most of them say it’s a sign of weakness or they don’t feel safe when they are vulnerable and the reality is, during sex, you are your most vulnerable, especially with your emotional self. 

So is a little temporary sexual relief and false moment of connection, really worth the sacrifice of your yearning heart and soul and the pain of suffering rejection?

And when the lucky guy does not call you after to tell you how fabulous you were, who then is in control?  Are you really valueing yourself when you give of your most intimate self so freely? 

How is being promiscuous with a near stranger giving yourself the gift of a well deserving partner who cherishes you? My educated best guess is, it’s not honouring you at all, not one single bit.

Every woman wants to feel love and connection, we need it for our very survival, that is one of the most common reasons why committed partners have affairs, to get their need for love and connection fulfilled.  I don’t buy into any woman who tells me she can sleep with a man and not feel a little hurt that he is not begging to see her again, or calling with gratitude and offers for dinner dates…

If she does tell me she’s ok about his lack of after connection, I’d have to say I don’t believe it and really consider what is going on deep within her soul. I’d bet there is a state of some kind of denial happening and deep underlying fears at play… Most people really want to be loved and to love someone in return, so when do you decide to share your body as well without the risk of not being completely and lovingly received?

So here is the deal ladies and gents that will keep all of your emotions intact and have you making the right decisions that nurture and respect the most important person in the world…. You:

• Guys, call her the next day no matter what (even if you don’t want to see her again, it doesn’t hurt to say thank you, you were fabulous).
• Be honest and clear about your intentions. Do you want to sleep with that person with a view of starting a relationship, do you want to relieve an aching body or do you need some loving connection…?
• If you feel bad after an encounter or there are awkward moments or feelings afterward, then maybe it was not the right thing to do… right?
• Don’t lie to yourself, be honest. If you’ve really connected with someone you’ve just met, then do you think sleeping with them right away is going to get you what you ‘really’ want in the long run? Make them wait, because you are worth it.
• Men like to hunt and women gather, remember to give him something to chase if you want to see him again.
• If you want a good time and are willing to risk the emotional attachment then remember to do a ‘Cutting of Energetic Ties’ process after… ASK ME HOW
• Understand that their are energetic connections being made when you share a sexual encounter, your energies combine as does your bodies. Be prepared for the effects and impact of this on your soul.
• Guys, be conscious of who you want to be energetically and emotionally attached to you (after sex). It’s as much your responsibility as it is a woman’s.
• Leave judgements aside, if you want to do it, just do it (and guys, don’t hold that against her) this could be the best thing that has ever happened to both of you.
• If you are a woman and you suspect a case of post sex emotional attachment, then reconsider the decision to do it… Perhaps it’s best to go home and self sauce…
• Don’t expect men to get emotionally involved with you after a one nighter, any expectations may leave you disappointed. Be firm and stabel with your decisions.
• Communicate thoroughly with your partner of your intentions and where you stand so no one has any nasty surprises that can be hurtful. Honesty is the best policy.
• Hold out for as long as you can. When you have sex after really getting to know someone, there is less likely to be any feelings of rejection, as you have developed trust and strong foundations that will support your intimacy together.
• Some women have been known to sleep with men in order to make them like them more (in the hope of a relationship developing) if this is you, get real, what are you doing? Relationships rarely ever develop after a one nighter, first night, it’s a fairytale. Stay away ladies and value you a little more.

 Men surveyed say they will take almost any opportunity to have sex that comes their way, but he will rarely have a relationship with a woman that puts out so easily. Can you believe that?  We all know it’s true, so why do women still torture themselves with the hope that a sexual encounter will win over a man’s affections?

 Or are women actually capable of having sex without attachment?

 What are your thoughts? Do you have a story to share that will shed some light and help others make the decision to do it or not? 

To have sex or not? To stay emotionally neutral or not, that is the question!  I’d love to hear from you…

With lovin

Janelle Manton

BLISS TIP - November

This months Bliss Tip is about grace and poise.  Grace and poise are the mark of a beautiful woman… How you hold yourself, how you move and own your body and how you speak says alot about who you really are.  Take a moment to remeber an old clasic movie - my personal favourite is Breakfast at Tiffany’s with the darling Audry Hepburn.  Audry is the quintessential woman, she had grace and poise down to a fine art and is beautiful in her moves as well as how she spoke and managed herself. Sheer womanly perfection as was many of the screen goddesses of times past…

Being in a Blissful state is not just in your mind but also in your body and both are intricately connected. When you hold yourself upright and move with volition, you are in control, you ooze confidence and when you look it on the outside, you will most certainly feel it on the inside too.  So this month, practise holding your head up high, put your shoulders back, move your hands with volition, speak with eloquence and practise modelling your favourite screen goddess.  I guarantee you will feel like a million dollars…. Afterall, you are a woman first and foremost.

Online Dating Anyone?

If you are a single girl or guy - listen up.

With long work hours, families, clubs and pubs being less desirable as you get older, how are you going about meeting new people?  It seems the days of meeting someone out and about are slowly closing in as we get older, so where do all the gorgeous over 30’s plus go these days to meet other singles? Online! It’s in epic proportions and with some great successes… Let’s take a look at how you can get started, or improve your game.

Are you considering online dating?  Want to get more out of your current dating experiences?

Do you want to know how you can date and time manage?

Online Dating Magazine estimates that more than 20 million people a month visit online dating services. But not all online dating services are alike. The majority of online dating services force a person to pay in order to respond (and sometimes even read) a communication they receive from a paying member.  But you’d be spending money if you were going out to meet people too, right? So let’s look at how you can meet some great people, spend less and enjoy every date.

Now you’ve got a plethora of sites to choose from - Plenty of Fish, RSVP, Oasis, Lava life, Adult Matchmaker, Global Love, eHarmony, Aussie Match Maker, Hook Me Up… this list is endless and continues with specific sites for more mature people, Christians, vegetarians, over 55’s  just to name a few .  Google online dating sites and ask around - you’ll be surprised at how many people are enjoying online dating.

This article is about how you can have an incredible date, every time and discover the secrets to having an awesome profile that lets you stand out and above the other few million people.

Over the course of several years I have been on many dates, some better than others, some not so good but not totally unpleasant. Some were fun and interesting and others were just plain boring but of great value still. I’ve come to decipher how to ‘cull’ and short list potentials before I accept the invitation to date - how to sort quickly, because who really has time to waste?

If you are first time online dater, there are a few things you should consider…

I’ve heard some incredible stories from male friends about the women and men they have dated online and here is a list of things you seriously want to avoid:

• Spending the whole time talking about your ex, what went wrong and how much he/she hurt you - it’s just boring and bad form. If this is you, get a coach and work through your emotions before you start dating.
• Being guarded and pretentious , just be your authentic self
• Not being completely truthful about your vocation, habits, activities or lifestyle
• Having too high expectations and go out thinking he/she is ‘the one’
• Feeling the date was fabulous and then stalking being needy and clingy afterward, let him make the first move after the date
• Sleeping with your date on the first night - major faux par if you want to be taken seriously
• Getting drunk and sloppy - is this the kind of first impression you want to leave?
• Talking just about work and not about who you really are - be open with your conversations
• Asking about finances, how much s/he earns and what assets they have (can you believe some people actually do that?)
• Heavy flirting or ‘prick teasing’ - take your time!
• Start talking about sex and your favourite sexy weekend… it’s tacky and gives the wrong impression

Ok, now that is just a snap shot of what not to do, I think you get the picture…

So how do you start online dating the Top Secret Women’s way, what are the rules for gals and guys?  Follow these simple suggestions and get off to a great start:

• Find a site that suits your budget and desires. Some sites are free and allow for free emails to be sent back and forward immediately and some you have to pay but have better quality leads - I would prefer to filter immediate contact and have preference to pick and choose who I am in contact with. Ask around and see what you would prefer - do the research.
• Sorting quickly it’s an important factor in online dating. Manage your time and how much time you allow to search and respond.
• Have a checklist of traits and values that are important to you and read profiles with an open mind - they are subjective and certainly what you may want to hear but not what you may get. Know your own values (what’s most important to you in life). Usually you want someone who is like you. Consider if what you want is realistic and ask yourself if you are the kind of man/woman that checklist person would be looking for? Adjust accordingly…
• Know what you want and be aware of what you are willing to compromise - You may need to go on a few dates to get really clear, so start with an open mind. Character traits, values and beliefs are way more important than looks at the end of the day. Know what you are willing to compromise in advance to save yourself time.
• Prepare your mindset for getting back into the world of dating. I realise it may have been a while since you last dated, perhaps you never have, so taking the leap into the dating world can be a big one. That is why it’s important to prepare yourself mentally. Heal, build confidence and ask for help if you can’t do that on your own. Sometimes your life experiences leave you with emotional scars or bruises… Ask yourself if it’s time to move forward and consider your options for doing so. It might be time to get your very own personal lifestyle coach. You can call Janelle on 1300 88 69 82
• Avoid emailing back and forward for too long. You wouldn’t do that with someone you met in person, so why do it here. Lengthy emails can give a false sense of who you are and it’s too easy to tell it how you wish it was as opposed to how you a really are. Take a look at the communication model… only 7% is words, 38% is tonality and 55% is physiology… This means you will get to know a whole more about a person by meeting them in person. I always make a point to meet ASAP… there has to be physical chemistry and the only way to find out if you have that is to meet in person. It may be important to establish key interest factors prior (via email) and then jump to it, times a wasting.
• Be truthful, mysterious, positive and succinct on your profile. Cut to the chase, very few people have time to read an epic saga, be original and tell people the key things that are important to you, what you love, are passionate about and what you really want. Avoid statements that are all about what you don’t want, keep it real and be invitingly positive… Only talk about what you want and who you are and be as honest as possible. Include recent pictures that are stylish and do not have pictures of you holding alcohol - not a good look ladies or the ex partner cropped out… ARGH! And do not write anything about wanting a partner who can look after you financially - they will run a mile and besides being really bad form, you really should be seeking your independence so you can be in a complimentary relationship!
• Never publish your phone numbers or personal contact information.

Take a look at these two examples and you decide which one sounds the best:

• Username: lonelyaussie09
• Tagline: Lonely person looking for life-long love
• Profile: I’m recently divorced and hate being alone. Everyone says to try online dating, so here I am… ARGH!!!

• Username: funliving1 adventurous40 motivated01
• Tagline: fun loving go getter is ready to rock n roll and share adventures, so how you doing?
• Profile: I appreciate the many adventures life has to offer and am looking for a fun and like minded person to make fond memories with… I am…

It’s easy to see out of the two samples who are going to be more fun, more interesting and level headed, right?

• Be realistic about your expectations. Your profile is a snap shot of your personality, quirkiness, sense of humour, likes and desires, there is so much that can’t be written or adequately explained on a computer… so go easy on your date - even if you don’t want to date them again, you will have a great time by accepting them, being caring and listen… You may be surprised at what you find… J
• Scan other Profiles of the same sex to see what others are writing and consider how you can be original and stand out. There is a lot to learn about what not to write and how you can stand out. Research.
• Know what you want to achieve from dating.
• Always look great, whatever your income. Gorgeous hair and some lipstick with rags will still turn his head. You have the advantage. You are the woman. Look your best as you could meet a potential Mr. Right anywhere at any time and not just online…
• Register for REAL & RAW e MAG on http://topsecretwomensbusiness.com and you will receive your free copy of the exclusive report EVERY GALS GUIDE TO LOOKING LIKE A GODDESS for FREE (valued at $19) - It’s loaded with tips and how to’s for looking gorgeous.
• Stay in shape and involve some fitness regime at a gym or outside. Taking care of yourself starts here.

So now you have done the ground work it’s time to go on a date

The first one is always the hardest and I wish I knew then, what I know now.  My first ever online date was with a lovely man but he was about a foot shorter than me and smoked… Read profiles carefully… Needless to say, I spent 5 hours talking with him and had a wonderful time. Did I want to date him again? No. But I did become friends with him… So stay open minded - you could meet some fabulous new friends.

Tips for having a great date:

• Meet in a public place with lots of people around on mutual ground where you both meet half way- Not only is this a safety issue but it gives you something to talk about… people watching, atmosphere etc
• It’s always best to meet for a coffee only on the first date. Coffee allows for you to linger to lunch or dinner if you wish to spend more time together and gives you an out if it’s not going so well. Dinner could be a long and painful experience with someone who has misrepresented themselves.
• Keep dates brief, but your men interested. Less is always more. Remember men love the hunt, keep the magic alive but do not play games. Be real and raw. A little elusiveness as a woman goes a long way.
• Actively listen to your date and reciprocate even, effective communication. Active listening is listening with intent to learn about the other person. Remember the one asking all the questions is the one in control, so ask questions and remember to answer them too. Be open to asking quality questions that reveal the true nature of your date but remember what you ask, you may have to also answer.
• Be open-minded and trust your intuition. First impressions say a lot about a person but do not be too quick to judge… Remember this is supposed to be fun and most people feel the same as you and have only positive intentions.
• What you think you attract. So, if you are having bad experiences all the time, consider what you are putting ‘out there’. Sometimes you have to look in the mirror - at yourself, to see what is going on around you. Take responsibility for what you can do to change the situation. Know why you are dating. If you are lonely, then be sure to not ooze that vibe on your date, it can be scary and you will attract the same - is that what you want? Confidence, assertiveness and real is best - Want help getting it, call us for coaching 1300 88 68 82
• HAVE FUN - it’s only life after all.

This is just a snap shot of where to start. Dating is just that, a snap shot. It’s not a relationship.  It’s a starting point and can be a lot of fun, especially when you do not put too much expectation on the result. Friends first, then let’s see what happens. The right relationship will happen when it’s right for both parties.  This is a guide only, so use it wisely and make up your own mind as to what is right for you.

If you would like assistance getting into the right mindset and learn more about how to mentally prepare yourself for dating again, then let’s talk.  You can call Top Secret Women’s Business on 1300 88 69 82 regarding your coaching enquiries.

Coaching is for men and women.

Remember the most important thing….. Have fun and keep it real baby!