Top 3 Passion Killers

There are times in life when not a lot in life seems overly exciting. The couch seems like the better option than standing up to exercise, eating takeaway is easier than making food that is healthy and nutritious.

Your relationship hit a critical mass ‘breakdown’ - neither party is willing to spice things up or talk about real issues, sex is a chore (what the?), housework is even worse and putting any imagination into your life ‘together’ seems futile.

The kids are bored and fighting, work is a burden of dreary ‘good for nothing’ means to an end unmentionables and even your social life fails to excite you… Kill me slowly….

What is going on? Where have the days of loving your life gone?  You used to love your work, now it’s a mundane time consuming pay check.  Your partner used to excite the fuck out of you, literally, now the sight of them makes you want to run for the hills or roll over (even if it’s a temporary ailment, it still occasionally happens) and the thought of excercising and loving your body, increasing your energy and being pumped by life is only something those crazed personal trainers enjoy…

Adventure is out of the question, I mean what is this adventure you speak of anyway? Adventure is for kids, NOT!!!!!!

I could go on here but you get the picture….

The worst part is, even if this ugly picture does not apply to you, there is a little bit of it in all of us, at different times in our life, times when our passion and vavavoom for life has simply melted away…  It’s the stuck state you hate, the treadmill that you want OFF! Well it doesn’t have to last forever…

So what happens, does passion just get up and walk out on us in our time of need?

What stops us from maintaining our passion and lust for the things that are most important to us?

The top 3 Passion killers are:

No1. Killer of passion is COMPLACENCY… When you take your eye off the prize, your eye off the target and stop putting in any effort, complacency kicks in. We get a little too comfortable, a little lazy perhaps, can’t be bothered and seise all passion increasing activities.  When you stop making an effort life starts to resemble a treadmill of monoteny, it’s the same, day in day out and your arch enemy COMPLACENCY thrives in such environments.

No2. Killer of passion is ‘NOT KNOWING’ what you are passionate about. If you have nothing to be passionate about - like a career you love, a partner you adore, a body that excites you, friends who inspire you, hobbies that motivate you, then it may be time to make some decisions and gain some clarity about what you would like to be passionate about instead of maintaining the current status quo. You’ve settled for ‘what is’ instead of deciding what you really want and then going after it. Not knowing can also indicate an unwillingness to explore what is possible. To this I would say, isn’t it time do dare to do something that actually excites you?

No3. Killer of passion is FEAR, fear of getting outside the box and daring to do it, ‘life’ that is. Quite often you are ruled by fear and it’s debilitating claws that you dare not do anything different for fear of the consequences. Fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of being abandon, judged, fear of being broke, fear of what people think…. Sound familiar? Fear has a strong hold over us for many reasons and the fear mongering world we live in only serves to generate more fear…

There are many different reasons why passion can melt - health problems, significant trauma, events of the past that are unresolved, social stigma to name a few more, perhaps you never had it to start with?

In any case, all of these can be healed, repaired, ignited and put back on track with the right help. You can break free of the chains that bind you, you can crack complacency and overcome your fears, you can ignite and discover your passions, I’ll show you how, all you have to do is decide it’s something you need right now.

Passion is for everyone to enjoy, it’s only fair that you enjoy every aspect of your life and live like each day is your last. It’s makes common sense to let go of a past that doesn’t even exist anymore and get on with living a full and over flowing life, but are you?

It makes total sense to do what you love and love who you ‘do’ with absolute crazy passion… Passion makes you feel powerful and if you feel it, guess what, you are powerful.  Passion makes you feel energised, enlivened and enthusiastic. Are you getting enough?

Anything less than you living your life passionately, isn’t you being your full and vibrant, loving and amazing self, isn’t it?  Why would you compromise who you really are?

What can you do today that puts a little more passion back into your life?

What do you need to ‘move away from’ in order to get what you want?

What lengths are you willing to go, to discover what your passions really are?

How would your relationship improve if you popped a little more passion into it?

Ready to breakthrough some boundaries and totally pop with Passion? I can help, all you need to do is say, BOOK ME IN!

Join me (over skype) for a ‘Passion Pop Experience’, it’s a specific way of experiencing a pop into being more passionate in all areas of your life. I will take you on an experiential journey into new territory, so you can feel free to LOVE YOUR LIFE with PASSION!

You will pop through the glass ceiling that currently stops you from feeling the love (in any area of your life). Come Pop with me. Sessions are 1.5 hours and $295AUD Email me you interest and I will schedule your appointment.

Sometimes changing your life is a simple as a POP in your imagination….

Yours Real & Raw,

Janelle Manton

TSWB (C) All Rights Reserved 2011

Show me the way home, Deal Lover

Dear Lover,

How I crave you. Every day my craving grows and expands in a way I’ve never experienced before.  And my cravings are always satiated with your presence… Only to reignite when you are away from me…

I fell in love with you quickly my darling because you are so much like me, you are a reflection of me and how I feel about myself, I see myself in you. There are times when I wonder about love and if my love for you is more infatuation, an ‘in love and lust’ kind of love and then you sweep me away to yet another paradigm of understandings and depth… another world of something so unconditional I can hardly breath, my love.

Sometimes when you are away I start to doubt myself and my fear of such closeness stifles me.  What if you see all of me and who I really am? What if you don’t think I’m perfect or irresistible?  What if you change your mind about loving me?  I’m slowly unravelling in my trust and when I feel a little uneasy, you have this uncanny way of reassuring me with your open heart and open mind, you see me, dear lover, you hear me dear lover and you embrace all of me… Dear Lover, how I love you.

You allow me to open my yearning heart and yield to its cravings. The delicious ways you open me to universal love is incredibly revealing and raw, it’s who I am and who I have always desired to be but have never achieved entirely on my own…

It’s only in our intimate relations with another that we really see ourselves, this I’ve discovered with you my love - In our reflection we discover who we really are and my blessing today with you, dear lover, is how much I love and adore you, how much I admire your courage to love so openly and honestly, how willing you are to discover the depth of feeling and experience true, unconditional love can bring.

I’m eternally grateful because the very way you love me brings me closer to me, my core, my growing love for me is your true gift.  Thank you dear lover for showing me the way home - to my own heart…. Oh how I crave…

Yours Real and Raw,

Janelle Manton

Top Secret Women’s Business

All rights reserved ©

The Silence is Deafening!

It’s in the silence… I found myself amidst the consistent, nagging tunes of George Michaels ‘Amazing’ even when the blackness came and there was nothing else, the words were there still in the deep recesses of my mind… do do do do, I think your amazing… and after 3 whole days of this constant banter, on the fourth day, I found the depths of my spirit, peacefully waiting my return home…

I spent my Christmas break and new year celebration in the silence of my mind, alone, along with about 70 other dedicated meditators… Vipassana was a holiday from my life and I welcomed the time of silence, ten whole days of it!

Leading up to Vipassana, there was chaos of gigantic proportions, financial concerns that created massive worry, uncertainty, anger and fear. My family life was in upheaval with arguments taht seemed to grow in size each time, my relationship turned from beautiful to dependence which was out of my control (so it seemed)…. I’m sure my friends were sick of me winging and seeing me so low, so I retreated and withdrew… My business which I love so much was slowing down for the year and was desperately hating life, getting up off the couch was difficult enough… But to add to it all, I had let my health slide, taking up bad habits to excess, putting on weight and not valuing my body enough to not poison it!

I’d been thinking about attending Vipassana for a while. The first time I thought about it was when I had a broken leg, a great time of reflection, but I was advised that the physical aspect of meditating and long hours of sitting would be a challenge, and so, like a lot of things, I put it on the back burner… for 5 years!

I thought not talking would be the difficult part seems as though I never shut up, I always contribute and have no problem giving my opinion… But by the time I got there, I couldn’t wait for the noise to shut the fuck up! I’d had enough. My mind was constantly reminding me of what I did not have,  jabs at how lazy and fat I am, always letting me know my business was not successful enough, that I was not enough… I had literally become sick of hearing it and was on my way to breaking point.  My world seemed to be crashing down upon me like an abyss of nothingness.

I don’t know if I the only one who has ever felt like that, but I can say, I don’t ever want to go back there again… The abuse was indeed deafening me and slowly killing my spirit, me! I arrived at Vipassana retreat centre in Pomona a desperate woman, ready to do whatever it took to snap out of my misery and into a new, fresh, clean start…

The first 3 days were extraordinary, so much noise in my head, so much abuse and negativity, I thought it would never end. I went to the teacher in an almost crazed state because I just couldn’t get George Michael out of my head, I couldn’t stop worrying about what was and what was not in my life!  In fact, my headaches were extreme migraines of release. Poisons being released, negative thoughts and emotions… letting go, surrendering to the peace that is below and beyond…..

Our teacher patiently taught me how to shift my focus and to have faith, very little instruction, fewer words… Once again, trusting and having faith was my lesson. On day 4 I got it…. Like the best drug I’ve ever had, there was nothing like it! Quiet! Peace! Finally…

During my afternoon meditation, the dark stillness finally came, utopia of the mind was felt, the subtle vibration of my entire being experienced in bliss, equanomous with nature, no boundaries, infinite and expanding like the universe itself, I am the universe!. Total resolution.

In that moment I understood who I really am. I am no different to you, we are all the same, I am more than enough, I am extraordinary and a miracle. A vibration of pure energy, a single atom of consciousness expanded into a being of light and love…

But it was only an experience. Like most things in life, it was only that, one moment of pure experience, nothing to be craved or sought after, nothing to get addicted to, just enjoyed in the present moment. Nothing more, nothing less…. To crave it would only cause more misery.

Day 6 was my hardest day as I settled into a rythym and understanding of why I was there.  I had left the chaos of home and life to find peace and self love and most importantly, a way of coping with the mess that I thought was life outside… In the middle of my morning mediation, amongst my 70 odd fellow meditators I started to cry…

I don’t know if it was fear of returning home that started the giant flood or how happy I was to be there, whatever it was, was far less important than just observing without question and letting my tears flow… And flow they did… All the way down to my belly button, ironically to the place I once drew my life force energy from… The final surrender to pure bliss emptied my heart as it left, making room for the miracle of unconditional love and understanding….

And so went the following days… the days turned into night and the night into day. Meditation, meditation, meditation. Quiet surrender with an understanding of nature, observation of all that is, from a spider spinning its web, pain and joy, to the slight and subtle vibration of my spirits energy… deliverance from misery, the slow journey of elimination of negativity at the very core of its conception… The rebirth of true understanding embraced, the silence, a gift to myself I will always cherish and nurture…

Ten days of silent reflection and observation, zero communication with anyone but myself, over 100 hours of sitting meditation, 4.15am starts… Just myself, complete solitude and in those cherished days, I discovered the secrets to eternal peace and abundance, discipline and vigilance… Of which I am bound to be successful!

I discovered the calm that is really who I am and regained control of my life. I developed and embraced a new way of being and truly understand the importance and what it takes to have balance in my life, to put myself first… But most importantly, I uncovered the blessing of slowing down, doing things in my own time with discipline, simplifying my life and eliminating expectations that disappoint…

Living in the present with mindfulness and calm is who I am. Observing instead of irrational reaction is who I am. Loving unconditionally with understanding and compassion in my heart is who I am… Being a Goddess and embracing what I do is who I am…

There is not greater gift to give yourself, than the gift of silence… Anything less than that is deafening!

If you would like to find out more, please email me. If you are interseted in one on one coaching with me, again, please email me - I am here to be of service! xxx

Yours Real & Raw,

Janelle Manton

admin@topsecretwomensbusiness.com

Top Secret Women’s Business All Rights Reserved (C) 2011

Are you a Serial Casual Sex Fan?

It’s an age old question, probably more frequently asked now with the last few generations with women coming out of the kitchen and breaking free of the conformity that comes with a traditional female role…

When is the right time to decide to have sex with a man and know without a doubt, he respects you enough to call you the next day?

So you’re dating, just met a contender and that complex question raises its head…. Intimacy is meant to be easy, right?

Traditionally we would make him wait (sometimes even till we marry) and make him work for it, wait till he deserves your body and the opportunity to be intimate with you… These days women have the right to do as they please, as men have for centuries and lots of women do what they want without weighing up the consequences.  But if you are waiting for him to call the next day after taking him home, you might want to brace yourself.

I’ve done lots of research on this subject (and it’s not always been fun). I’ve also experienced heart ache trying to figure out why he didn’t call me.  We had been getting along brilliantly, we had chemistry, connection and now after the deed is done, no call! Why? As archaic as it seems, men still love the chase and they are particularly attracted to women who they can’t have - right away…

If a man is really into you, he’ll be happy to get to know you and wait for you. Remember the book, ‘He’s not that into you’? It may be time for a re-read.

So if you really like a guy and want to spend quality time with him in the future, don’t sleep with him till you have bonded in other ways. Until he has an emotional connection with you and wants all of who you are, he is most likely to not respect your decision to go all the way.  Why? Because they don’t have to! If sex is an emotionaless experience, it’s easier for them to walk away.  Most men think if you don’t value you by having sex with him straight away, then he doesn’t have to value you either.

Is this always the case? No, certainly not. There are lots of men who place value on the connection he has with a woman, regardless of how long they’ve known each other… But the truth is, they are few and far between. It’s challenging having a sacred experience with someone you’ve just met or have only been on one or two dates with, there is no real foundation from which to grow - besides the physical… And that isn’t always a good start, it’s often not enough to sustain a loving relationship.

You might think as a woman you are quite capable of having a one night stand or a casual fling without getting emotionally attached and that may be so….

But how long do you really think you can go without emotional fulfilment when you are an emotional being?

If you are a serial casual sex fan then be really honest with yourself, the truth for most women is it is a temporary, quick fix and a bandaid for a greater problem, a denial or detachment… usually from your heart. Serial sex fans pretend it doesn’t matter when the guy doesn’t call the next day, when it really does matter!  Some women deny themselves by playing an even bigger game, that of the predator… ‘I wanted him, so I went and had him, I’m in control here’… No wonder we are being called Cougars and Puma’s! the tragedy is women are lying to themself.

This predatory behaviour and attitude is a big fat lie. Sadly it’s even more tragic when it’s a lie to yourself and a deep reflection of denial and rejection of self worth. Women are not predators by nature, we are gatherers.  We have no primal instinct to hunt, so only a woman deep in her masculine energy goes out hunting…

And does a man want to stay with a woman that competes with him energetically? NO, he does not (obviously rare cases exist of the successful one night stand but that is another story)…  Men are attracted to a woman who lets him be the hunter - a man.  When a man is fully in his masculine and she is fully in her feminine, this is when the polarities of energy are most opposite and most likely to hold an attraction charge.

So, to have sex or not? Do you wait for Mr Right or enjoy Mr Right now? I always advise my clients to seek the answers within as to what is the best for you, as a woman.  Each woman is in a different space, some are single and exploring their sexual nature, while others are still exploring but have the luxury of doing that exploration with a loved one.

The keys to remember when deciding are;

• Tune into the reasons you want to have sex, are they the right reasons to share your body?
• Are you valuing yourself in this situation and does he value you as much?
• Are you getting a quick fix for what might otherwise be lonliness or fear of real connection?
• Are you totally loving you by sharing your most sacred part of you?
• Are you using your predatory skills and the facade of ‘I’m in control’ as a mask?
• Are you allowing yourself to be vulnerable so you can experience real emotions or are you somewhat guarded?
• Does he have expectations that he’s going to get you naked before he puts in the ground work?

There is a distinct difference between having a sacred sexual experience with a friend and having an ‘in out, in out’ experience with a near stranger. When you are with a friend and enjoy a deeply moving tantric experience that comes from your heart, you know you are safe.  You can have an experience like that and enjoy no expectations and a very loving and memorable time and walk away feeling respected - Because you connected on a deeper level…

It’s when you as a woman, allow a near stranger to have your body (even if you think you are in charge) for next to nothing and expect a different outcome that the problems really lie…

Sharing your body may seem easier at times than sharing your heart but the long term consequences can be devastating to your self esteem and self worth.  Sex is a sacred act and if you are deciding to ‘have a little fun’, at least choose a worthy opponent. Anything less than an honourable man is giving away your most treasured possession… You!

Yours Real and Raw

Janelle Manton

Director

Top Secret Women’s Business

Alcohol and Intimacy are not Friends!

I loved my husband so much, we were close, happy and had a great time in our ten years of marriage… In the early days our fun was very social, it revolved around spending time with friends in exotic locations, Hawaii, Monterey California to name a few. We had many nights enjoying house parties, dinner parties, Sunday’s by the pool, we had a great time, then…

But times changed, we grew up and our friends moved in different directions, some got married, moved overseas and I became a mother.  My desire to drink all the time quickly stopped with pregnancy, then months of sleepless nights then just plain old exhaustion and this underlying sense of responsibility.

As time rolled on and I became ‘normal’ again I realised that the desire to drink alcohol all the time had completely gone. What I found instead was in order to feel like I was bonding with my husband,  I needed to drink with him.  I eventually became resentful because I didn’t want to drink everyday in order to connect with him…

As time went by, complacency kicked in, amongst other challenges and the need to have some serious conversations became obvious. It was then that I got really shitty because it didn’t matter how much I told him he ‘changed’ when he drank, he didn’t believe me.  I got tired of his voice raising unreasonably, tired of the constant debate and unrealistic view points on our declining connection, tired of drinking every night instead of connecting with me, the woman he was supposed to love.

He never hit me, always went to work and achieved great results and cared and provided for our children, so how could he possibly have a problem with alcohol management?  The fact that it was a problem for me and our ability to be really connected didn’t seem to matter enough.  I  thought if he wasn’t going to put the time in to talk to me and discuss our future ‘like he cared’, I wasn’t going to feel like being intimate with him.

So our sex life was also impacted, he stayed up late watching TV, I went to bed early hoping he’d follow me… Now please don’t get me wrong, he is an honourable and great man, we simply opposed ideas of sobriety and intimacy!

A relationship can only sustain this kind of imbalance for so long… Something has got to give. In our case it was me - for many reasons most of which were my own, I left.  The challenge I now see in a lot of relationships as a coach, is how much alcohol is like wearing a disguise, it hides the real you with a mask of  happy, sad, uninhibited, grouchy, fearlessness… In any case the real emotions are avoided.

Daily alcohol consumption is a betrayal of self and is a false layer of protection that hides the real truth of your emotions… How can anyone have a real relationship when someone  is always partying, numbed by the subtly of one too many glasses of wine?

Beside the physical side effects of long term drinking; increased weight, heart disease risks, diabetes etc… The emotional side effects could very well cost you more. How about your family? Your job? Your self esteem and confidence are impacted? What about your creativity and your intuition?  Your judgement is impaired, your reality shifts and with regular drinking can actually stay wacked (that’s a professional term).

All of these life giving elements are numbed when you drink alcohol. So ask yourself, what do you have to lose, how good does it really make you feel? Are you being your authentic self? Are you making decisions that empower you or take your power away? And who wants drunk sex all the time anyway?

A true Goddess and Warrior deserves to feel everything - intimately…your body, emotions, your spirit at play, you mind racing with anticipation your skin tingling…

Some of my friends might argue that they still see me drink every now and then, so who am i to talk about not drinking… But the difference is I only drink every now and then, a special occasion you might say.  I hope that you may enjoy the infrequency of a glass every now and then and be the power house of clarity, love and intimacy in the meantime.  if you want to talk about how you can receive and give more intimacy freely with your partner, please contact me. I can help xxx

Yours Real and Raw

Janelle Manton

Are you a Real & Raw Goddess?

When I think about being Real and Raw, I think of a woman walking down the road - we’ve all seen her… Perhaps she not really even that traditionally ‘pretty’ or incredibly well dressed or that fit and toned but oh my Goddess, I’ll never forget the look in her eyes… The look that says, “I know who I am and I’m not afraid to show it!”  Her eyes have it hidden for only those really looking to see…

The Real and Raw woman is as authentic with her words as she is her heart. She is gorgeous beyond belief but ONLY because she believes in her own inner beauty, strength and confidence. She is true to her word, reliable and respectful and maintains high values for herself and those around her… She is as solid as she is soft.

The Goddess who is Real and Raw is open and fearless about her vulnerabilities, easy to surrender but not easy; she understands the art of intimacy and has an insatiable thirst for depth, connection and real relationships… She is as open minded as she is worthy of knowledge.

The Real and Raw she wolf is a self validated woman who is an example of truth and honesty and her communication skills are second to none, especially when it comes to her heart’s desire, her needs and wants.  She is hungry for more out of life, stands tall and happily on the shoulders of those who went before her… Her head held high, her grace and poise oozing from her… She is as sexy as she is successful.

The Goddess who is Real and Raw has depth of character and is completely at home with who she is, who she wants to be more of and where she is at in life… She is grateful for the past; lives right here, right now and looks to the future with clarity, ambition and a sense of abundance… She is as rich in her heart as she is rich in spirit.

This woman is grounded, energetically - an enigma, spirited and spiritual, she is a woman of faith, even if it’s faith in herself, she knows this is enough to back her in life. The Goddess is intuitive and sees herself in others.  She is a work of art, a work in progress and will never profess to know it all. She is as perfect as she is imperfect and that is perfect…

This lady will stand tall and proud and move swiftly forward as she continues to nurture the needs of many, a natural born contributor, a giver and a teacher.

This Real and Raw woman comes in many shapes and sizes, many different ages, colours and tones from many different cultures. She is in all of us, and always has been… The Real and Raw Goddess in you will reveal herself, as soon as you give her permission to be unleashed, as soon as you allow your wild woman out to play…. Then you may glimpse the rhythmic dancing of your own Real and Raw Goddess in motion…

Is this you? If not, then when? I can’t wait for you to come and play with us.

Yours Real and Raw

Janelle Manton

One Flaw in Women

Women have strengths that amaze men….. They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in..
They stand up to injustice. They don’t take “no” for an answer when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally. They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding. Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart. Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They’ll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love. They have compassion and ideas.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
Women have vital things to say and everything to give.
HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN, 

IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH. Author Anonymous
Please Share this link with all your women friends and relatives to remind them just how amazing they are

Sex and Emotional Attachment

Can women have sex with a man and not get emotionally involved?  And when is the right time to have sex with someone you meet…? Is there a right time? 

Are women really capable of detaching from our emotional nature in order to have a short term win in the form of a one night stand or a ‘friends with benefits’ kind of relationship without getting involved?

And does any woman reallyhave sex for the sake of having sex and getting off or are there deeper needs she is  trying to fulfill?

Emotional attachment is an inevitable and most likely outcome for women after sex as it is simply part of their nature. We are emotional beings, we feel and therefore we are.  I read somewhere not so long ago that women tend to become emotionally connected for up to three weeks after a sexual encounter. When I thought about the reasons why that specific amount of time,  I reasoned, 21 days to create a habit, 21 days to break one… Well I don’t actually agree with that statement for many reasons. The first one being, I believe you can break a habit immediately if you choose to and while it could take 21 days to create a habit, when it comes to sleeping with someone, well, that could only take 21 minutes.

Most importantly, the thing we need to remember is that women are emotional animals and yes, we are animals after all (let’s not forget that).  Men on the other hand (whilst still animals…. grrr) have a different instinct to us girls…. A genetic predisposition to procreate and get as much practise in spreading their seed as possible… It’s what keeps the world populated.  But unlike us girls, they can ‘do it’ without the emotional attachment, yes, that means wham bam thank you mamm! 

But the question is, can women do the same thing without getting emotionally attached?

Are women truly capable of the kind of freedom that allows us to be sexually active without emotional attachment?

One of my long time friends, is the most gorgeous and enigmatic, energetic woman, open and free, well spoken, well put together, successful, confident and newly separated.  She was married for nearly 7 years and is now finding herself for the first time perhaps in years.  She looks and breathes confidence and regularly hooks up with delicious men.  She says she just likes to F#&* and get out of there and is totally ok with nothing more…. But I beg to differ. I watch and listen very closely to her and notice times of self sabotaging behaviour, ridicule and moments where she beats herself up and is regretful (unbeknownst to her I see these things). Now she has never admitted she is lonely and wishes they’d call her, in fact, she blows off the ‘contact after sex’ and makes out she doesn’t want them to bother her but I suspect deep hurt at the underlying rejection that is really going on. Samantha says she is in control, but her non-actions might reflect the opposite view…

Another woman I know, admittedly loves sex, sleeps with whom ever she chooses, she is also confident but openly suffers the rejection and disappointment she feels after her ‘encounters’. She says she is has a great time, the best sex ever  with her conquests and then gets let down when they do not call to ask her out a second time.  I suspect her ‘good time gal’ attitude is more a cover up for what she really wants and is not getting. The connection she is getting from a casual encounter is a temporary relief for her lonely and frightened heart….. A tall diagnosis and it breaks my heart to see her in a constant state of pain.  Her emotional attachment is obvious and with great expectations that are continuously being unfulfilled…

So this is what I have become to think and know… As a coach, a single sexually active woman and a friend to many women - we are not totally capable of having a sex without getting emotionally involved to some degree….. So be careful who you choose to have sex with ladies! 

At the end of the day, no matter how tough and detached you think you are, you cannot lie to your natural instincts - you are an emotional being.  There are many factors to consider when having sex with someone and many reasons why a woman would choose to go ‘there’. You’ve got physical attraction and wanting to shag a man just because he is gorgeous, intellectual attraction and that feeling of familiarity or similarity - he mentally stimulates you, feelings of love and wanting to share an intimate part of you, an expression of your love for another, the physical need to feel sexual relief…

No matter what the reason you choose to have sex with someone, there are several facts that remain. When you have sex, you surrender yourself to that person, as a woman you become vulnerable and raw and you open yourself and your body up to a level of intimacy that you only ever share with yourself (when self ‘loving’). 

To share your body with another and expect that you will not be emotionally involved is really only lying to yourself. 

When I ask women what their thoughts are on the word vulnerability, most of them say it’s a sign of weakness or they don’t feel safe when they are vulnerable and the reality is, during sex, you are your most vulnerable, especially with your emotional self. 

So is a little temporary sexual relief and false moment of connection, really worth the sacrifice of your yearning heart and soul and the pain of suffering rejection?

And when the lucky guy does not call you after to tell you how fabulous you were, who then is in control?  Are you really valueing yourself when you give of your most intimate self so freely? 

How is being promiscuous with a near stranger giving yourself the gift of a well deserving partner who cherishes you? My educated best guess is, it’s not honouring you at all, not one single bit.

Every woman wants to feel love and connection, we need it for our very survival, that is one of the most common reasons why committed partners have affairs, to get their need for love and connection fulfilled.  I don’t buy into any woman who tells me she can sleep with a man and not feel a little hurt that he is not begging to see her again, or calling with gratitude and offers for dinner dates…

If she does tell me she’s ok about his lack of after connection, I’d have to say I don’t believe it and really consider what is going on deep within her soul. I’d bet there is a state of some kind of denial happening and deep underlying fears at play… Most people really want to be loved and to love someone in return, so when do you decide to share your body as well without the risk of not being completely and lovingly received?

So here is the deal ladies and gents that will keep all of your emotions intact and have you making the right decisions that nurture and respect the most important person in the world…. You:

• Guys, call her the next day no matter what (even if you don’t want to see her again, it doesn’t hurt to say thank you, you were fabulous).
• Be honest and clear about your intentions. Do you want to sleep with that person with a view of starting a relationship, do you want to relieve an aching body or do you need some loving connection…?
• If you feel bad after an encounter or there are awkward moments or feelings afterward, then maybe it was not the right thing to do… right?
• Don’t lie to yourself, be honest. If you’ve really connected with someone you’ve just met, then do you think sleeping with them right away is going to get you what you ‘really’ want in the long run? Make them wait, because you are worth it.
• Men like to hunt and women gather, remember to give him something to chase if you want to see him again.
• If you want a good time and are willing to risk the emotional attachment then remember to do a ‘Cutting of Energetic Ties’ process after… ASK ME HOW
• Understand that their are energetic connections being made when you share a sexual encounter, your energies combine as does your bodies. Be prepared for the effects and impact of this on your soul.
• Guys, be conscious of who you want to be energetically and emotionally attached to you (after sex). It’s as much your responsibility as it is a woman’s.
• Leave judgements aside, if you want to do it, just do it (and guys, don’t hold that against her) this could be the best thing that has ever happened to both of you.
• If you are a woman and you suspect a case of post sex emotional attachment, then reconsider the decision to do it… Perhaps it’s best to go home and self sauce…
• Don’t expect men to get emotionally involved with you after a one nighter, any expectations may leave you disappointed. Be firm and stabel with your decisions.
• Communicate thoroughly with your partner of your intentions and where you stand so no one has any nasty surprises that can be hurtful. Honesty is the best policy.
• Hold out for as long as you can. When you have sex after really getting to know someone, there is less likely to be any feelings of rejection, as you have developed trust and strong foundations that will support your intimacy together.
• Some women have been known to sleep with men in order to make them like them more (in the hope of a relationship developing) if this is you, get real, what are you doing? Relationships rarely ever develop after a one nighter, first night, it’s a fairytale. Stay away ladies and value you a little more.

 Men surveyed say they will take almost any opportunity to have sex that comes their way, but he will rarely have a relationship with a woman that puts out so easily. Can you believe that?  We all know it’s true, so why do women still torture themselves with the hope that a sexual encounter will win over a man’s affections?

 Or are women actually capable of having sex without attachment?

 What are your thoughts? Do you have a story to share that will shed some light and help others make the decision to do it or not? 

To have sex or not? To stay emotionally neutral or not, that is the question!  I’d love to hear from you…

With lovin

Janelle Manton

For Love or Lust?

Have you ever wondered if you’ve done ‘it’ for love or lust?  Have you ever beaten yourself up after  making ‘that’ decision? Guilt, shame, regret and disappointment are commonly felt emotions for a modern women and I have to ask why?  I know as a single gal and an International Coach, I know that a lot of my single girl clients and even girl friends have expressed their confusion after being with a lover and often berate themself after a fantastic night of tantalising delights. In this article I am going to dispel some of the misconceptions around choosing to have sex and quite possibly put you single girls at ease, being a woman is meant to be easy…. 

There is nothing more liberating then making the decision to lose yourself in a heated sexual experience.  If you’re a single girl, you may have decided at one time or another to go home with a man you just met - commonly referred to as a one night stand but is it really?  So the night goes, you meet a cute man you are attracted to, you have a connection and many things in common which are important to you.  There is the undeniable chemistry that comes with this sort of connection… And then there’s the offer to spend the night together….  What’s a girl to do?

On one hand, you like him and our societal expectation and standards dictate you should not go home with him (or her) on the first date (or night) because you’ll ruin your chances of being taken serious or you’ll be stereo typed or at the very worst end of the scale, branded a slut.  But on the other hand, ‘doing the deed’ is a chance to get to know him further, a greater chance to connect with him and what’s even more, could be a opportunity to have that ‘itch’ scratched and if the decision is made consciously and powerfully, it could be an expression of you being in total control of your wants and needs.  Nothing is sexier than a powerful, confident and decisive woman.

Let’s not forget for one minute, that women have libido’s too and quite often greater drives than a lot of men and sometimes, we like to act on those peaks with a sense of ferociousness.  Are you selling yourself short if you decide not to or are you protecting your chances to see him again and possibly, have him in your life?

Most women have heard of the book, ‘He’s just not into you’.  It goes to say that a man is supposed to chase, put in the effort, take up the challenge to gain her affections and make her feel like a princess and that she is the only woman in the world for him and if he does not do any of that well, then ‘he’s just not that in to you’ and to some extent, I agree.  Who wants a guy that does not make you feel desirable, wanted and needed?  And every woman loves a guy who pursues her, makes her feel desirable and wanted.  So when is the right time to give into some hard core lust? And when is it time to open yourself to love with your new friend?

From my research, there is a great divide for women these days and it is surrounded by loads of confusion as to what the rules are. And men share our confusion.  Neither knows if they should chase or be chased.  Some men expect a ‘liberated’ woman to make the calls and chase them and when they do, they are ‘too needy’ by other standards.  Others will wait for the guy to do the pursuing and spend a lot of time just waiting around for the guys to make the moves.  So what do women really want?  Do we want car doors open for us? Do we really want a man to do the chasing and pursuing? Do men want a woman who is assertive and a go getter and does the initial calling? Or a submissive and patient (while she waits for the call) kind of gal?

So what happens when you spy a gorgeous man in a club, you have a ‘mutual admiration society’ going on with connection and eye contact, lots of smiles and then it’s time for you to leave… You walk passed him and he does nothing.  When you turn around to see if he is coming after you, all he does is smile his big pearly white smile again… And nothing! An opportunity missed or an opportunity to assert yourself?  Should you go back and talk to him or could you assume that if he thought you were that great he’d have come after you and not let you out of his sight?

During my interviews and surveying women (including myself), I discovered that there are two kinds of men. The ones you have lust for and just want to play with and the ones you might want to date (upon further investigation) and fall in love with.  So how does this play out for you?  For love or lust?  Do you make the decision to be with or without based on whether you may or may not see him again.   It could be safe to say, that most modern women have been with a man just for the sake of having him, having some fun or satiating your own desires… So is he the guy you go back and talk to after mutual admiration?  Or is he the man you walk away from because he is a real prospect and someone you want to have chase and pursue you - because he’s really into you?

As women, we need to know a guy will stand up for us, provide security and protection for us…  Remember, we are animals and have primal needs that still need to be fulfilled and when it comes to ‘potential partners’, a woman needs to know her guy will stand up to the challenge - for the sake of our very survival.  It’s fair to say, women have different needs when looking for a partner. Are you certain of what it is you really want?  It could be time to start asking you better quality questions…

• What is it you really want from a man?
• What needs do you have that you want a man to fulfil?
• If love is what you really want, what strategy are you currently using?
• If you are looking to have some of your lustful desires fulfilled, are you going about getting ‘it’ in such a way that empowers you, or are you left feeling deflated, guilty and defeated?
• What kind of sexual conditioning have you been subjected to in your life and how is that playing out now as a pattern that no longer serves you?
• What are you willing to do about that to get a different and more empowering result?
• Do you have expectations of others that are not fulfilled and how are you meeting your own needs?
• What values do you have around love, sex, lust and relationships?

When you start to ask yourself better quality questions and have clarity around what it really is you want, you can start to take control of your life and feel good about whatever you decide, in any case.   It is true you can have your needs for love and lust met in one solid relationship, so what can you do now, that will satiate your heart’s deepest desires and achieve that very thing?

As a single girl open to finding true love, for me, the quality of my decisions leaves me without guilt and regret and always empowered and better for it, no matter what it is.  I make conscious decisions every day that enrich my life and take me closer to the outcomes I seek to fulfil.  What would it take for you to just do it? Or not do it? Whether lust of love wins out in the end, at least you can rest assured you made a powerful decision that gave you want you wanted at the time…

And then, what if he doesn’t call? Well, maybe you made the decision to sleep with him based on the fact that, he would…   Remember the golden rule ladies.  When you have sex with someone you are energetically sharing yourself, a far more intimate part of yourself than just your body, you are sharing your energy, literally.  Your sexual energy lingers (like ethereal cords from you to them) for up to three weeks, attaching you to them through your emotions - Yes this means emotional connection.  So if you choose to go there, choose carefully and for the right reasons.  The right reasons will have you be able to cut and sever the energy more readily if need be. The difference is feeling empowered or disempowered…

Whether it is for lust or love, you deserve to be able to rise above social conditioning and do what you choose, because you’re worth it and because you are an amazingly desirable woman.  Thousands of years ago, women were revered for their sexual prowess, and being sexual with a woman was considered a great honour. Our wisdom and insight was highly valued and with the rise of men in power over centuries, women’s right to experience true sexual liberation (and in some cases even pleasure) has been controlled and diminished. 

Choose to reclaim your goddess sexuality back. Decide to clear yourself of any negative conditioning and understand what it is you want instead… Now is the time to fight for true liberation and own who you are - Real and Raw!  It all starts with just one person and that person is you.  For love or Lust? Does it really matter to anyone but you?  It’s ultimately up to you to decide and for all women to own!

If making open minded decisions about your sexuality is challenging for you and you want to talk to someone who can really assist you to the next level, then please call me.  I specialise in professional change work that encompasses the intimate and private issues surrounding your sexual past and your potential future. Why wait.  1300 88 69 82 Call Janelle today.

I’m in love with your Ghost

God bless the Indigo Girls for the lyrics of their song ‘Ghost’ as it provides a doorway for me to feel the presence of my grief and love for my father.  The 25^th of June this year is a very special day, as it marks the 10 year anniversary of my father’s death.  He was taken from us by the mysterious dark cloud of Cancer. I watched it carry him away bit by painful bit. In the past ten years I have developed my own understanding of grief and how it evolves and have also grown to be in love with my father’s ghost!

He left me with the most powerful gift of love and faith…..

I was living in the States when I had to make the call to come home to be with him in his last moments.  Two days prior to my instant decision that it was time to go, I found out I was pregnant, it was the same day I purchased my ticket to fly to Sydney.  He was in hospital when I got to Newcastle, i hardly recognised this wilting man but my god, it was good to see him.  Two weeks later at his request he came home, hospital bed and all. Paliative care nurses visited him daily administering him pain medication, bathing him and offering support while he shrank and we waited. It was the longest 3 weeks of my life, waiting for him to die and sometimes even wishing he would hurry up and just let go.

I had my 2 year old daughter and my husband with me, caring for Madison, waiting, being extremely tired from my pregnancy, waiting, the constant discussions about how he as ‘going’ was taxing on this pregnant and emotional woman and one day I made the call to spend a night in Sydney to get some much needed respite. I left to spend the night with my best and most beloved friend, Louise, knowing that I may never again see him alive and somehow knowing that is what he was waiting for.  Even back then, I understood enough about my intuition to trust that leaving him was the right thing to do.  My husband asked me several times if I was sure I wanted to leave and I assured him it was what we both needed to do.

The last conversation I ever had with my father came from a place i didn’t know existed, the words I shared with him were as profound as I had ever spoken, he had slipped into a coma by this stage… It went something like this… “Dad if you can hear me squeeze your eyes”, he squeezed his eyes tight. “Dad I know it’s time for you to let go, I know you love me and you must always know, that I love you, it’s important for you to decide where you are going to go from here Dad, as it is your faith in life ever after that will determine where you end up. Go with faith and knowing that you did your best and be at peace with your life here. You have given me so many gifts in this lifetime, the gift of being my father,  I love you, do not be afraid, trust and be at peace….”  and so on…. I felt satisfied I had shared with  him my last thoughts and there was nothing more I could say to let him go peacefully…

That night about 11.30pm the phone rang, it was my step mother saying he had gone and could I please call me brothers to tell them.  I was not surprised but humbled and shared the news with my brothers and my mother and peacefully, relieved,  went back to sleep.  We drove back to his home the next day and found out he had taken his last breath and simply let go, he drifted off to his heaven…

Many confusing emotions consumed me but reading his eulogy in front of at least 200 people, I knew he was with me, hovering by my right shoulder, giving me strength to continue, loving me, I could feel his pride…  I will never deliver a message with such confidence and clarity again.

After many sleepless nights, uncontrollable sobbing calls to my mother in Australia in the middle of the night, consumed with grief, anti-depressants and the feeling of aloneness I have never since felt, I wondered if I will ever cope with him dying.  Now ten years on, i know this to be true: Grief never goes away but I get more used to the feeling of it living with me. Someone you love who dies, never really leaves because they live in your heart and whenever you think about them the feeling is remembered, relived.  If I sit and think of my love for him, it consumes me and I feel it’s enormous strength well up in me.  I can duplicate the intensity of such love whenever I need him around me and whenever I want to feel loved.  Today was one of those days and I feel blessed to still have him so close, ironically, closer than ever before.

My father left me with the most powerful gift, the gift of FAITH - Faith in myself, faith in life after death, faith in love and faith in my intuition.  I know there are times when I need guidance and all i have to do is close my eyes, ask the questions I want answered and the answers come. Sometimes I imagine it is dad answering me, it feels right to have him close again, whispering in my ear and other times it’s just me, in any case, it feels good and the answers are always right.

I share this with you because I wonder where in your life do you need to have a little more faith?  I share this because I wonder if you too are grieving, if you can allow yourself to get more ‘used to the feeling’ as opposed to wishing it away. I share this with you because I wonder how much you are relying on your intuition to give you the answers to life’s many questions. I share this with you because today I wish to honour my father for being perfect in his imperfections, he has given me the lesson of ‘allowing’ and that of unconditional love…..

Yours Real and Raw,

Janelle Manton

Daughter of Barry Michael Patrick Manton

21st May 1940 -25th June 1999