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Men Don’t Listen – Critical Relationship Tips for you Both

Men Don’t Listen – Critical Relationship Tips for you Both

Jan 29, 2014

couples_swept_away_couple2Communication breakdowns are epidemic in relationships these days and all too often men get blamed for not listening or not reading the signs that lead their wife or partner to leave them.

That is why both men and women need to read this article, because it may help you to avoid the painful pitfalls of ineffective communication that leads to relationship break ups.

So many people have suffered at the hands of a break up, I believe the current Australian Statistics on Marriage failure is about 1 in 4, but I do believe it may be higher. 

This is what I keep hearing from the men and women involved…

Woman“I’d been telling him for 2 years that I was unhappy, so I eventually left and he acts like he can’t believe he didn’t see this coming”.

Man“I had no idea she was that unhappy and was considering leaving, sure we had some challenges but she never told me how unhappy she was”.

Woman“I can’t tell you how many times I tried to discuss our problems with him, he’d pretend to listen, then do something different for a week, then go back to his old lazy ways… and he wonders why I met someone else and left, how long was I supposed to live like that?”

Man“She didn’t tell me she was going to leave if things didn’t change, I might have done things differently if she did”.

Man“I can’t believe she cheated on me, what did I do to deserve that?”

Woman“I felt more lonely than ever, even though my husband was in bed with me every night, he didn’t touch me or connect with me and then I met someone who did pay me attention, so I left, what was I supposed to do?”

These are all too common comments from men and women who have/are breaking up, men and women can be like two ships passing in the night when it comes to communicating the important stuff… He says and she says and neither are wrong nor right.  But what I hear more often is women saying that MEN DON’T LISTEN and this is what I would like to address because they are the ones left in complete despair when their partner leaves them ‘unexpectedly’.

Men and women have fundamental differences. Men tend to be black and white with most things, it either is or isn’t, they are single focussed and generally focus their time doing their best to provide for the family. Men often miss the importance of connecting with their families and spending quality time with their partners and would prefer to put their head in the sand than face the problems at hand – Ignorance is Not Bliss!

Women on the other hand tend to add emotion to everything so don’t always communicate directly to their men the facts – we dance around the subject in order to ‘not hurt him’ and think we have discussed the big issues with them, but we haven’t at all. Women are also multi focussed, so we can do many things at once, so dropping little hints of unhappiness and complaining to our girlfriends seems to make us feel we have communicated effectively. Sometimes the subtle hints women drop are recognised by men but mostly never.  Sometimes we speak directly and men think we are joking or don’t take us seriously – we are never joking when it comes to matters of the heart.

So this is what both men and women need to know about communicating with each other to avoid the heart ache that comes from ‘sudden’ breakups –

If you are in a Relationship, I recommend you read these tips!

Women Need to Know –

  • Give your man heads up on a special talk by saying “I have some things I’m not happy about, can we speak about our relationship tonight” this will take away the element of surprise and give him time to gather his own thoughts and feelings about the subject also
  • Speak directly and be matter of fact when discussing what is wrong, avoid the fluffy girly stuff
  • Avoid blaming him for everything that is wrong (this will also avoid an argument)
  • Be compassionate and put yourself in his shoes when you can, keep it real
  • Take Responsibility for your own actions or in-actions, own your stuff
  • Make sure your man is not doing anything else when you talk to him, like watching TV
  • Give him time to process what you are saying, let him speak
  • Be honest about everything, if you hold back you are only hurting yourself and in the long run, him even more. If you hold back he won’t understand the seriousness of the trouble you guys are in
  • Be yourself but try to avoid being overly emotional, he needs to hear what you need without trying to console you at the same time
  • Have an action plan or desired outcome – be prepared to do what it takes
  • Be yourself, anything less than that is an edited version of yourself and he doesn’t want to be in love with half of you
  • Avoid telling all your friends instead of the person who can do something about your relationships – that is your man, tell him first!
  • Be prepared to kiss and make-up, never withhold affections after a serious talk, reconnect as soon as you can
  • Remember men respond to regular sex very well
  • Seek professional help before it is too late

Men Need to Know

  • Keep your eye on the ball and avoid being complacent about her and never take her for granted, pay her attention
  • Any change in your woman’s behaviour may indicate she is unhappy or bored. If she starts buying new clothes and shoes suddenly and pays extra attention to her grooming – you had better book a restaurant for a dinner date with a night of dancing and discuss what is going on for her, let her know you have noticed her
  • If she says she needs to talk, you are best to listen, if you are not sure what she is getting at, ask her questions about what she is feeling and what she wants instead, seek complete understanding
  • If you are unhappy or unsatisfied, be honest firstly with yourself, so you can do something about it and make the time to talk to her about what you need – talk about it
  • Don’t try to solve her problems, be an ear for her and ask her what she wants you to do about it
  • Get clear on the desired outcomes you both need to proceed lovingly
  • Spend quality time with her and your children and do not talk about work, business or kids – just have fun, be adventurous
  • Learn how to exceed her expectations for romance, love making, connection and communication – There is this thing called google you can use for free to get new and exciting ideas
  • Be prepared to take responsibility for the stuff you have/have not done – avoid the blame game, it will only make things worse
  • Don’t spend all of your time at work, manage the time you spend in pursuit of material possessions with balance and precision because your family is more important
  • Be prepared to grow with her, keep up with her suggestions for things that may lead to change and self-improvements
  • Remember women like make up sex too… but take it slow and cruisy, she make take longer to warm up if it’s been a while – NO wham bam
  • Most importantly, women do not joke or take their relationships lightly, if she says something is wrong, in her eyes it is wrong. Be prepared to find solutions

2013-09-02 15.09.05If you both follow these simple guidelines you may find that communicating isn’t so hard after all. Most importantly, respect your commitments to each other and provide a safe environment to share your thoughts and feelings, just because you have a fight, it doesn’t mean it’s all over…

A good argument can lead to more connection and greater levels of understanding each other. Be honest about what you want and need because withholding will only lead to massive heart break for both of you.

With love and respect for your unions

Janelle Manton

All Rights Reserved © 2014

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    One comment

    1. Hi Janelle, firstly i would like to say that i mostly agree with your article.However,i think that the article is orientated towards laying blame on someone else rather than looking at relationship issues from your partners perspective. As you have already noted women tend to “wear their hearts on their sleeves”, more specifically their emotions and for the most part think that their partner is out of touch with them. Meaning that women think most men don’t care about the relationship because they have trouble understanding why you are so emotional for both parties to fully connect with each other takes a great deal of work. I think both men and women alike need to stop placing so much expectation on each other and take a moment to explore new aspects of their relationship in order to really connect with each other, this should help your relationship grow and become what you both want it be. Women if your man feels disconnected from you then i (being male myself) would ask you to not bombard you man with questions but ask one question at a time in order to prevent you getting the wrong idea regarding his answer. Don’t be afraid to ask further questions on a particular subject that you and your partner might be dicussing further questioning could save borh of you alot of heartache. I know i’ve had my share and for the most part it still haunts me even though it’s been 19 years since an unfortunate incident terminated the relationship. So having said that don’t say men don’t get emotionally invested on a relationship, whatever type of relationship it might be. I do agree that men respond well to regular sex but please don’t think it’s easy for us guys either, we do feel the same vunerability that women feel and although the common thought is that men don’t feel anything but pleasure for their own purpose when engaged in sexual activity, we too experience lots of different emotions but one emotion both men and women alike feel is insecurity like what does he/she think of me physically? Am i adequate in terms of being able to cater for his or her needs? Do i feel a strong emotional connection with him/her? In some cases your man may just want sexual contact for his own self gratitude (in the case of a one night stand) but ladies if you think that you’re going to get something more than sex from a one night stand I’m sorry to say you might be very disappointed. Please note that some of us guys are different and actually seek the same thing and while we may not be the greatest communicators it doesn’t we simply don’t care about you. Please consider how hard things might be for us too.
      I would like to raise the issue of brain injuries, these types of injury are horrible to live with for both men and women alike. Communication and expression of feelings among other things become a lot more difficult after a brain injury. The effects of a brain injury may never fully disappear most brain injury sufferers want to function in society as normally as we can (yes i suffer from a brain injury myself) but we need society to see that we are still human, we still have feelings although we may have more difficulty expressing those feelings and we desire the same quality of life as non sufferers in whatever area that may be and we often appreciate your understanding and love more that a non sufferers. Please note that brain injuries come in many different forms, some sufferers may have a strong physical impairment while in other victims the impairment may not be physical but intellectual while the most common perception is that brain injury victims don’t feel and desire the same emotions that non sufferers do, not true.

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