Extra-ordinary Strategies for an Extra-ordinary Life by JANELLE MANTON

Sex and Emotional Attachment

Can women have sex with a man and not get emotionally involved?  And when is the right time to have sex with someone you meet…? Is there a right time? 

Are women really capable of detaching from our emotional nature in order to have a short term win in the form of a one night stand or a ‘friends with benefits’ kind of relationship without getting involved?

And does any woman reallyhave sex for the sake of having sex and getting off or are there deeper needs she is  trying to fulfill?

Emotional attachment is an inevitable and most likely outcome for women after sex as it is simply part of their nature. We are emotional beings, we feel and therefore we are.  I read somewhere not so long ago that women tend to become emotionally connected for up to three weeks after a sexual encounter. When I thought about the reasons why that specific amount of time,  I reasoned, 21 days to create a habit, 21 days to break one… Well I don’t actually agree with that statement for many reasons. The first one being, I believe you can break a habit immediately if you choose to and while it could take 21 days to create a habit, when it comes to sleeping with someone, well, that could only take 21 minutes.

Most importantly, the thing we need to remember is that women are emotional animals and yes, we are animals after all (let’s not forget that).  Men on the other hand (whilst still animals…. grrr) have a different instinct to us girls…. A genetic predisposition to procreate and get as much practise in spreading their seed as possible… It’s what keeps the world populated.  But unlike us girls, they can ‘do it’ without the emotional attachment, yes, that means wham bam thank you mamm! 

But the question is, can women do the same thing without getting emotionally attached?

Are women truly capable of the kind of freedom that allows us to be sexually active without emotional attachment?

One of my long time friends, is the most gorgeous and enigmatic, energetic woman, open and free, well spoken, well put together, successful, confident and newly separated.  She was married for nearly 7 years and is now finding herself for the first time perhaps in years.  She looks and breathes confidence and regularly hooks up with delicious men.  She says she just likes to F#&* and get out of there and is totally ok with nothing more…. But I beg to differ. I watch and listen very closely to her and notice times of self sabotaging behaviour, ridicule and moments where she beats herself up and is regretful (unbeknownst to her I see these things). Now she has never admitted she is lonely and wishes they’d call her, in fact, she blows off the ‘contact after sex’ and makes out she doesn’t want them to bother her but I suspect deep hurt at the underlying rejection that is really going on. Samantha says she is in control, but her non-actions might reflect the opposite view…

Another woman I know, admittedly loves sex, sleeps with whom ever she chooses, she is also confident but openly suffers the rejection and disappointment she feels after her ‘encounters’. She says she is has a great time, the best sex ever  with her conquests and then gets let down when they do not call to ask her out a second time.  I suspect her ‘good time gal’ attitude is more a cover up for what she really wants and is not getting. The connection she is getting from a casual encounter is a temporary relief for her lonely and frightened heart….. A tall diagnosis and it breaks my heart to see her in a constant state of pain.  Her emotional attachment is obvious and with great expectations that are continuously being unfulfilled…

So this is what I have become to think and know… As a coach, a single sexually active woman and a friend to many women – we are not totally capable of having a sex without getting emotionally involved to some degree….. So be careful who you choose to have sex with ladies! 

At the end of the day, no matter how tough and detached you think you are, you cannot lie to your natural instincts – you are an emotional being.  There are many factors to consider when having sex with someone and many reasons why a woman would choose to go ‘there’. You’ve got physical attraction and wanting to shag a man just because he is gorgeous, intellectual attraction and that feeling of familiarity or similarity – he mentally stimulates you, feelings of love and wanting to share an intimate part of you, an expression of your love for another, the physical need to feel sexual relief…

No matter what the reason you choose to have sex with someone, there are several facts that remain. When you have sex, you surrender yourself to that person, as a woman you become vulnerable and raw and you open yourself and your body up to a level of intimacy that you only ever share with yourself (when self ‘loving’). 

To share your body with another and expect that you will not be emotionally involved is really only lying to yourself. 

When I ask women what their thoughts are on the word vulnerability, most of them say it’s a sign of weakness or they don’t feel safe when they are vulnerable and the reality is, during sex, you are your most vulnerable, especially with your emotional self. 

So is a little temporary sexual relief and false moment of connection, really worth the sacrifice of your yearning heart and soul and the pain of suffering rejection?

And when the lucky guy does not call you after to tell you how fabulous you were, who then is in control?  Are you really valueing yourself when you give of your most intimate self so freely? 

How is being promiscuous with a near stranger giving yourself the gift of a well deserving partner who cherishes you? My educated best guess is, it’s not honouring you at all, not one single bit.

Every woman wants to feel love and connection, we need it for our very survival, that is one of the most common reasons why committed partners have affairs, to get their need for love and connection fulfilled.  I don’t buy into any woman who tells me she can sleep with a man and not feel a little hurt that he is not begging to see her again, or calling with gratitude and offers for dinner dates…

If she does tell me she’s ok about his lack of after connection, I’d have to say I don’t believe it and really consider what is going on deep within her soul. I’d bet there is a state of some kind of denial happening and deep underlying fears at play… Most people really want to be loved and to love someone in return, so when do you decide to share your body as well without the risk of not being completely and lovingly received?

So here is the deal ladies and gents that will keep all of your emotions intact and have you making the right decisions that nurture and respect the most important person in the world…. You:

  • Guys, call her the next day no matter what (even if you don’t want to see her again, it doesn’t hurt to say thank you, you were fabulous).
  • Be honest and clear about your intentions. Do you want to sleep with that person with a view of starting a relationship, do you want to relieve an aching body or do you need some loving connection…?
  • If you feel bad after an encounter or there are awkward moments or feelings afterward, then maybe it was not the right thing to do… right?
  • Don’t lie to yourself, be honest. If you’ve really connected with someone you’ve just met, then do you think sleeping with them right away is going to get you what you ‘really’ want in the long run? Make them wait, because you are worth it.
  • Men like to hunt and women gather, remember to give him something to chase if you want to see him again.
  • If you want a good time and are willing to risk the emotional attachment then remember to do a ‘Cutting of Energetic Ties’ process after… ASK ME HOW
  • Understand that their are energetic connections being made when you share a sexual encounter, your energies combine as does your bodies. Be prepared for the effects and impact of this on your soul.
  • Guys, be conscious of who you want to be energetically and emotionally attached to you (after sex). It’s as much your responsibility as it is a woman’s.
  • Leave judgements aside, if you want to do it, just do it (and guys, don’t hold that against her) this could be the best thing that has ever happened to both of you.
  • If you are a woman and you suspect a case of post sex emotional attachment, then reconsider the decision to do it… Perhaps it’s best to go home and self sauce…
  • Don’t expect men to get emotionally involved with you after a one nighter, any expectations may leave you disappointed. Be firm and stabel with your decisions.
  • Communicate thoroughly with your partner of your intentions and where you stand so no one has any nasty surprises that can be hurtful. Honesty is the best policy.
  • Hold out for as long as you can. When you have sex after really getting to know someone, there is less likely to be any feelings of rejection, as you have developed trust and strong foundations that will support your intimacy together.
  • Some women have been known to sleep with men in order to make them like them more (in the hope of a relationship developing) if this is you, get real, what are you doing? Relationships rarely ever develop after a one nighter, first night, it’s a fairytale. Stay away ladies and value you a little more.

 Men surveyed say they will take almost any opportunity to have sex that comes their way, but he will rarely have a relationship with a woman that puts out so easily. Can you believe that?  We all know it’s true, so why do women still torture themselves with the hope that a sexual encounter will win over a man’s affections?

 Or are women actually capable of having sex without attachment?

 What are your thoughts? Do you have a story to share that will shed some light and help others make the decision to do it or not? 

To have sex or not? To stay emotionally neutral or not, that is the question!  I’d love to hear from you…

With lovin

Janelle Manton



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    68 comments

    1. Hi Janelle and readers

      I must say that I TOTALLY disagree with you on this one!! Sex is great fun and its great to share. I had a one night stand thats lasted 16 years it is areal affair of the heart and mind and soul…and sex just keeps getting better and better mmm…my husband introduced me to the idea of sharing our passion and we do so on a regular basis…i have discovered just how beautiful it is to love another womans body…it breaks down a lot of barriers and is very intimate…..kissing and Fxxing ag are the best….of course to go into a sexual encounter expecting everlasting love is unrealistic but to put that demand on the encounter is not sensible. To me the idea of witholding sex is not a good thing unless of course your juices arent flowing. I think women are taught that they are only allowed sex with one guy and this can lead to them getting hurt. It is so lovely to have the freedom to admire and take pleasure from more than one person. We just met a lovely couple in their sixties who are great fun and who have been sharing their love for over thirty years..very sexy too :) . I find in my job that their are hundreds of women suffering from low libido in their 50s…I think because their fantasy life has been restricted…..sex is so good and is even good for you too…spread the love I say

      • Thank you so much for sharing Linda, I love it and personally, agree. I also think it’s a very subjective topic that is different for all women. I recently came across opposing thoughts of this subject and wanted to put it out there… Love your work honey. xxx

      • Sylvia /

        Janelle, How do you do the “cutting of energetic ties” you mentioned in article? Need this desperately!

        • janelle /

          Hey Sylvia, I will put a post up regarding this today as the question has come up several times… Stay tuned and keep an eye out for the post. x

    2. Samantha /

      I absolutely agree with Janelle on all counts!! I can speak from personal experience, premature sex has completely lead to emotional attachments each and every time, inevitably resulting with disappointment and self loathing. In my mid 20′s into my mid 30′s, I discovered the hard way that sex was never for just the physical pleasure, as much as I wanted to fool myself into believing. Janelle is correct, at the very most there maybe a short term, temporary relief, but it doesn’t last and it not worth the consequences…which was myself. There was always a greater need, than just sex. There was always a desire for something more. I was lacking self love and self worth to admit that sex was a way to have the man like me. Yet it actually “does” the opposite. Any respecting man worth his keep, “respects a woman who respects herself”. That’s the type of woman, he wants to build a relationship with. The woman who is too eager to just “give herself”, well, he is human and although he may have sex with you, doesn’t mean he wants to pursue a relationship. I’ve learned, the degree of self esteem sacrificed by having sex with a man too soon, is not worth it!

    3. Tamara /

      So dead on right! I’m in my 30′s and I WON’T share my body with just anyone that asks, and believe me: they do…. it’s a precious temple and maybe one day in an emotionally commited relationship, that gets commited wwayyyy before the sexual act, then I’ll explore opening up myself physically and sharing that part of me. Why should guys buy the cow if they can get the milk for free? Plenty of guys actually agree with me and tell me they totally respect where I’m headed… Sure, we’re all animals, but the difference between us and the ones further down the food chain is the one thing we have but don’t use nearly as often as we should: self-control. Many of our problems can be solved by developing this one trait!

    4. hi janelle! i was looking for somethng very much similar about understanding females. im smart and hansome.. yet i was not the first one in the life of my GAL. she was cheating me till one day i caught her. i was shattered, cudnt accept it as i already planned to get married to her. and it hurted me more cos i cudnt find out why she did that to me. but now i knw after reading your article, that still she cudnt forget me cos she somehow got emotionally attached to me.
      i feel much much better. but i still need to talk to u more.. can we? please?

    5. rainbow /

      well i was with a guy over a year we had a lot of great sex, we went dinners and spend some weekends but i was not feeling any love from him meanwhile i was just falling him deeply. finally i asked him what is going on are we couple . he said he cannot be couple with me because he has no emotional attachment to me!! OUCH!! after year of dating sleeping having great time and great connection when we were together! i was reading signs very wrong because of my emotions. when he invited me to see a concert i was thinking he want to hang out with me he want to spend time with me but his mind it was only invitation to free no committed sex!! so i fell for him deeply but he said he has no emotional attachment!! so yes we had sex same amount we spend same amount of time it make emotionally attached to him but he just see as sex!! ladies i think it is time to stop this.. i am tired to have a date and after 3rd date feel pressure that guys expect to have sex.. if you dont they move on to next date because all the girls are having sex to get realtionship. and guys just using us!!.. if you do they are not emotionally attached to you after a year of spending time and they use you!!

    6. Karen /

      Post Mortem on my short lived Fling
      I never have thought about doing this before until i recently met a guy whom i really liked , but he wasnt looking for a relationship. Well, somehow things happenned and we ended up making out a few times, but we didnt have sex (even till now as I am a virgin and intend to be that way until marriage) And if you were to ask me consciously whether i would do this no strings attached thing, I wouldnt, in my right frame of mind. But the truth is I really really liked him and the first time we made out, i was under the false impression that we would begin dating. I thought he changed his mind. Which didnt happen. Second time around was just cos i was so addicted to him i dont know why. He is gorgeous, funny, hot, etc. But after that we went thru hell of a few weeks of depression, dillemma when all i can think about is him. And now I have decided that I will never ever make out with a guy if we are not in a committed relationship (him included). But at the same time i didnt regret the moments spent with him cos it was awesome. And most off all, im glad i didnt have sex with him and got pregnant. So if people can do it with a clear mind ( i kind of expected the withdrawal symptoms of unhappiness etc), and go in with minimum expectations (eg i dont really expect him to be my bf after making out) then by all means – give it a try to MAKE OUT but dont have sex as i think it will mess up with your mind. I didnt even have sex /orgasm and it already messed with my mind. Imagine the emotional mess I will be in if I had both. – its a good experience in life and i understand myself more in the process

      P.S that having been said- he was yummy in bed lol

    7. I am a Married woman for 12 yr now and I just had sex with a married man a few days ago we have k own each other for many years and have flirted with one another
      When ever we seen each other we always stayed in touch threw out the years we had one encounter
      We’re we
      Did some making out about a year ago and just a few days ago we met up went to his house and had very hot passionate !!! Sex it was great and so intense he has not t x t me since I txt him to get a number from him that I needed do to work I kept it short and simple he gave me the. Number and I said thank you but he did carry on the.conversation and I haven’t heard from him I know that he is off for the next two days and is hOme with his family Ut my question is should I txt him again in a few days and tell him what a good time I had ?? Or should I wait to her from him I don’t want to have any strings attached just sex !! I am married and don’t plan on leaving my husband for any one just like to have a little fun should I be straight out and tell him that so be DOESENT think I am being clingy or should I except the fact that maybe he is no longer INTRESTED in me or having a fling that DOESENT mean a thing ???

    8. Sunnie /

      This article is just what I needed. I am a person who forms attachment after sex and it has actually been a relief to learn recently that chemicals play a large role.

      I also have known for 20 years that it fades at about 2 weeks and at 2 months I am over it (unless it was a long term relationship- speaking of new sex here).

      I recently played out a life long fantasy of being with another woman. I had no idea that the same rules would apply, I am basiccally straight! The first time I felt the heart tugging ( big surprise to me) bit I figured it would fade at 3 weeks. It did and the forth week I knew that I thought she was a cool person and I liked her, but I didn’t *need* to see her again. We met up a few nights ago and BAM I have to wait out the three week period again to feel whole, stop thinking about her.

      I have had this heartache for a couple of days even though I know it is chemicals. Thank you for the reminder.

    9. Hi Janelle
      I totally agree with you on this article. in my own case i tend to be emotionally attached to a guy after having sex with him (but for more than one time), even when i tell my self that i wouldn’t. its is virtually impossible to have sex with a guy with being emotional attached…..talking from my experience.

    10. I met a guy on a dating site. I had not had sex 4 over a year and when we hooked up it was instant attraction and we had sex immediately. Next day he emailed me and we made plans to hookup again by da 2nd day. Thereafter every week. Now after a month he admits his emotions is getting the better of him. I know his fallen in love with me and likewise. We are so intense when we make love and we talk long after that about so many things and he admits that this is not how it was suppose to be. His married and his christian principles are convicting him and wants to end it but we have this bond that scares us both. He says it feels like we have known each other 4 a lifetime. All this is true and I love him with a quiet easy yet passionate love that leaves me amazed. My ex lover and friends say they have never seen me like this. This love is so rare that I cannot give up and walk away.

      • agranger /

        He is using you…he is married and will never leave his wife…
        Time to wake up!!!

    11. I am a happily married woman of 9 yrs, with a amazing loving husband, but a few months ago I got involved online with a guy I knew yrs before! It was so exciting and fun to get that attention, and for 3 weeks we messaged each other all day and it was very sexual and intense,he then asked me to come to his house for sex and I went without thinking twice!the sex was amazing and lasted all day,and although I felt guilty afterward I still really wanted to see him again,and its was very obvious he got what he wanted and was no longer intrested! I kept messaging him for 2 weeks after trying desperately to get some kind of approval (which has never been like me)and just felt worse every time! I didn’t have strong feelings for him and I love my husband so its been very confusing,I think the fact he knew me and was at my wedding I didn’t expect to be treated with such disregard. Its been a few months but the pain and humiliation I feel is terrible!

    12. Sad And Confused /

      I’m trying to find out, (& I’ve searched) if women get emotional from having lesser sex, and physical attention?
      I’m in a relationship, been with this guy for just over 3 years and he’s 26, I’m nearly 30 and at my sexual peak, and he’d rather be sitting on his phone or Xbox and when we do eventually have sex it doesn’t last long and I’m just warmed up to it.

      Please help.

      • janelle /

        Hey Hannah, sorry I missed this comment and am only just getting to it. Guys need the truth or they will never change. A conversation is needed and delivered with love, not criticism (men hate being criticised). Tell how you really feel and what you really want instead. An example may be “honey, can you give me more time to warm up, I really like it when you do this, this and this… That’s what gets me going…” Try something like that and be courageous about what you want. Let us know how you go..

      • He’s too young for you, so is not matured to understand your emotional needs!

    13. Kate /

      Depends on how good the sex is

      • janelle /

        hahah Yes Kate, it’s easy to not get attached if the sex was only so so… Great sex makes non attachment much more challenging!

        • Joey Fowler /

          From the mans perspective,

          We don’t just want to spread our seed or use women in general this kind of lump-generalization is absurd. Some men are single fathers activel raising children of their own with no desire to use anyone? Some people men & women, just enjoy sex? So long as everyone is being safe and selecting partners that match their values and lifestyle why attach the guild and shame?

          Quote: “I wouldn’t want to buy the car without the test drive” this may sound shallow? But seriously people who have everything in common but the sex is just bad.. Or worse the man or woman can’t or has a hard time coming to climax can make for a frustrating rest of your sex life. Waiting weeks or months to discover this seems to be more cruel than date and sample??? Just my thoughts?

          • janelle /

            I agree with you Joey, and you’ve bought up some really valid points also… Thanks for sharing. I definately agree that just sex in common can be bad but it could b great if that is all you are looking for… My question though would be why is that all you want? I’m a firm believer in taking them for a test drive before you buy… BUT I like to think my chosen partner/s have the same intentions as me and that is for something a little more meaningful than a wham bam session… heheh Have a great day and keep up the good work buddy :-)

    14. Progiegh /

      U right Janelle m experiencing it right now. I had sex with no intentions of involvement bt now its haunting me… i agree with yu lets not rush into sex

      • janelle /

        I think we all think we can handle it, sometimes we do… But if we are really honest with ourselves, casual sex doesn’t always feel good. I would suggest asking more questions and getting to know the man involved a little more before we give them the best part of our self.

    15. Christie /

      I hate to have to admit it, but I agree. After a long, somewhat loveless relationship I decided I’d play the field for fun.
      I’ve hooked up with seven guys outside of relationships – and I’ve only managed to not form an attachment to two of them.
      Although, even with one of those I was still hurt he ignored me afterwards.
      The last guy hurt the worst, because it was physically the most pleasurable experience I’d ever had, he was sweet, attentive and caring, would look me in the eyes as we sat on the couch and smile softly… we even had a lot of the same interests, so of course I started getting carried away. I mistook his flirting for genuine interest. It wasn’t till the day after I discovered he was married to a lady who seems like a beautiful person. I got deeply attached and still am and am waiting for it to pass – and now I feel guilty over him cheating.
      Of course, he did the usual thing of getting what he wanted and then basically cutting off but has left a window for when he might be free again. Great, I’m being fit into a schedule, like dry cleaning and a trip to the dentist… and seeing his wife who he should either leave or love, instead of cheating on the poor girl.
      Hooking up hurts badly, and not long ago I’d have rubbished the idea that women can’t be cut off when they have sex, but I can’t unless I happen to detest the guy and truth be told I wouldn’t really have sex with someone if I detested them.
      So now I’ve made a pact that I’m going to try to find a relationship and not quick “fun”.
      Hooking up works in theory – it’s more exciting, every experience is new, all the first kisses and first touches, but when an activity ends with me alone in my bedroom crying my eyes out because I’ve been charmed, bedded and forgotten about, it cuts to the core.
      I’m in my late 20s and have only just started to realise there might be some logic in this lifelong committment thing after all.

      • janelle /

        Hey Christie, thank you for your honesty and openness. nI am sorry to hear this happened to you but also glad you now have the awareness. I’ve found even when I’ve made the decision to have casual sex (and not be attached) that there is always a little part of me still wanting the feelings that come with such intimacy and someone who actually cares about me. I’ve had many comments about this article, some saying it’s BS and that women really can have sex without attachment, for a few this may be true but I think they are really lying to them self, do not value them self enough or are completely disconnected from their consciousness… I’d like to say, good on you for become consciously aware of how intricate our emotions are and for valuing your self enough to think twice about a casual shag!

    16. Jennifer /

      Although I do agree with you, I must say that this article made me look at myself and examine my flaws. I was that girl that would see a guy and find him attractive and then sleep with him and move on to the next. I really did not want any attachment with these guus and when my sexual need was fulfilled I felt satisfied. Sometimes I would see them after and say hello but nothing more. I beginning to know my value more but I have my soulmate now yet I met him in the same way and our connection was instant, like a perfect fit. Its like I knew he was the one. He said he loved me but I didnt believe him. Its like I felt my love was enough for the both of us. I used to sometimes think to myself, am I sexually addicted to sex or the game of let me see if I can have him and once I do I am okay with it. Hmmmm…makes me wonder if I hadn’t found him, where would I be?

      • janelle /

        Jennifer, timing is everything and you said one critical thing about your man.. You just fit. My man just fit too and it’s meant to be that easy… Best of luck and let me know how you go hon x

    17. leyrei /

      I strongly disagree that women can’t have sex without an emotional attachment. i hate to say this but, in all honesty, I have slept with guys who i never intended on calling or seeing again. Nor did i ever feel anything for them. In fact, the rolls were 100% reversed. I’ve had a one night stand with a guy i wanted nothing to do with again yet he called, text, emailed, and did everything he possibly could to hear from me again. What it all boils down to is the human race, man or woman, they all want what they can’t have.

      • janelle /

        Hey L, I agree to an extent as I too have had similar experiences… i think if there is a clear intention of the coutdome you desire then there is less chance for a hap hazard attachment, so long as you are being honest with yourself. Keep having fun sista. x

    18. ShyLove /

      I have sex for the fun of it. I remain totally unattached until I start getting text messages saying ” I miss you” and other things. Then I start gaining feelings. Is there a way to not get attached to the post sex action from guys?

      • janelle /

        hmmm… I’m not sure as I’ve always found some sort of attachment occurs whether it be emotional or physical. Best way I think is to not keep going back for more :-)

        • Agatha /

          I hear about this kind of thing all the time and it always makes me feel like an alien. Maybe it’s because I was raised by a guy, but I always have sex without emotional attachment. I’m not a very emotional woman and all of these girls talking about how they always need emotional attachment make me understand why women are considered pathetic by guys. Sometimes I’m ashamed of my gender cause all these bitches do is whine about how they need to feel connected to someone. Most women will have sex just because it feels good for the guy even though they themselves aren’t getting off. You know, the whole emotional drivel. For me it’s the total opposite. Because the clitoris is the source of my excitement, I don’t normally have full on sex cause it doesn’t do anything for me. I’m a very selfish person and mostly I’ll stick a guy’s head in between my legs and when he’s done, I kick him out. Intercourse doesn’t really do anything to get me off so most of the time I don’t even have it. This is the reason why men make differences in the world and women don’t. All they give a fuck about is falling in love and all of that pansy shit. To make a long story short, either I’m an alien from outer space, or some women can actually have sex without getting off. I am definitely one of them. Have never been emotional and I never will be. The man who raised me was the opposite by the way. Fantastic guy. Shit…this whole post made me sound like an asshole. Sorry about that…well, not really. Have fun talking about your “feelings.”

          • janelle /

            Hey Agatha, you have posed an interesting facet to this argument and I feel I have to say that our environment, upbringing, conditioning etc shapes who we decide to become. it’s a shame you feel that being emotional is pansy shit because is one of the greatest strengths a woman has – the fearlessness of self expression… I guess it’s just another way of looking at the world and neither is right or wrong. If I be so bold as to share my gut feeling about your post, I’d say there is an emotional block there for you hon about womanliness and only you can unlock it… Thanks for having the courage to share beautiful soul. x

    19. Chole /

      I made out with a guy A that I knew that I’ll never end up with. (He didn’t meet my earning standard). He was really good and made me come several times. But afterward I didn’t feel attached to him at all. In fact I didn’t wanted to see him again because at that time I was also involved with guy B whom I actually wanted to have a relationship with. Guy B was very sweet at the beginning, I made out with him (after I made out with A) and immediately grew attached to him. Now he’s not very responsive with texts and I became extremely anxious and couldn’t stoping looking at my phone and check if he texted me or not. Isn’t this strange? When I made out with A I was so surprised that I didn’t get attached to him at all, but with B I grew so attached that I can’t even bear it!

      • janelle /

        Hey Chloe, sorry its taken me so long to see this post… Remember this important tip – if it’s meant to be it’ll be easy. most men will hunt downt he one they want and are a little scared off by a woman who is too keen. It’s a sad fact and also a generalisation but I have found after 10 years of being single and now in a loving relationship, that it’s true… Hope that helps. x

    20. I’m currently in a “no strings attached” relationship that has been going on for almost a year. I definitely believe that it possible for women to have almost no emotional attachment but women must find a way to maintain a level head and ALWAYS be honest with themselves. The guy that I am having sex with is amazing in bed. He is the best I’ve had and he is model gorgeous. When we first began he was so attentive to my sexual needs, he seemed to know everything that I needed without me saying a word. My mind was blown when it came to sex.
      Although our sexual chemistry is almost perfect we have almost nothing in common. Not only that, he’s cocky, arrogant and we are not on the same intellectual level. He was cocky from the day I met him so I knew it would be nothing more because that is the biggest turn off for me. For me, focusing on these flaws have kept my emotions in check. Although his touch and sweet words have my mind swimming with thoughts of “maybe this can work” I always snap back to reality when he does something that I cannot stand. I’ve always been a realist and I know that it would never work. It sometimes seems as though he sees me as a challenge and tries to break through the wall that I’ve built up because I’m sure he’s used to getting his way with women, but I refuse to give in. I think my demeanor keeps him interested also.

      Growing up with men has helped me to remain clear in my dealings with men. I read men and their intentions very well. But I have had one situation in which I attempted a “no strings attached” relationship and ended licking my wounds. My mistake? Sleeping with someone who’s company I actually enjoyed, as we talked for months before having sex. He was engaged and I knew it could be nothing more than sex but I still felt as though we were friendsand things couldve ended better. I was honest about what I wanted, at least with him, not so much myself. He called one time after we slept together and then stopped all together. In spite of myself I simply sent him a text telling him that all wanted from him was sex and he did not need to avoid me after our encounter because I did not expect anything more. I guess he felt bad because he called to apologize and explain that he was busy. But by that time my hurt turned to anger and when he did try to reconnect I was over him.

      The best advice I can give is to always been honest with yourself about how you feel about a person. If you have feelings before you become sexually involved, they’ll probably only intensify after sex. So it may be best to have an honest conversation about what you’re looking for or avoid the situation all together. Oh, and stay out of other peoples relationships, especially if youre already in one of your own, too much confusion!

      If you’re just looking for a good time, seek out someone you’re sexually attracted to and nothing more. And focus on his flaws to keep your emotions in check. I’m constantly busy with work so until I have time to focus on a real relationship this will have to do. But I can’t say that when its over it’ll truly be emotionless because I am surely going to miss the sex ;-)

      Good luck, have fun and protect your heart and health

    21. Disagree. If I have ‘a connection’ with somebody then yes, we only have to passionately kiss for me to be besotted by them, never mind sex! However if I don’t have a connection and I just want some love and I find somebody attractive, I can have 0 connection afterwards and in some cases after I’ve slept with them I lose interest in them almost completely.
      I don’t want to have a relationship currently however, so perhaps that’s why I have little qualms with attachment. I’m sure If I found somebody I fell in love with I would be completely different.

    22. Rachel /

      I am wondering if you have any advice please, it’s kind of the opposite to this post! I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. When we first had sex I thought it was amazing. He knew exactly what to do and I was completely satisfied. The first issue we had was that it took him a long time (sometimes never) to ejaculate. I have had a few other sexual partners and have never had a problem pleasing them and so this really effected me. I wondered if it was something I was doing. After about a year of talking about it, it became less and less of a problem. But then I found out he was pretty much addicted to porn and would watch it everyday when I was out of the house. I explained how much that upset me and he has stopped watching it. We still have a very active sex life and are quite experimental (I really wanted him to find it as enjoyable as I do – and come as much as I do – and therefore we have tried lots of things) but lately I find myself missing romantic, heartfelt sex. He does come most times during sex now but we never seem to connect in the way I want to. He has never said I love you during sex until I raised it a few weeks ago and now he says it but I feel like he is just doing it because I have told him too. I feel like meaningful sex is something I can’t force and should come naturally and if it doesn’t come naturally to him can I go on living with him?
      Quite honestly I think the porn is what has effected his attitude to sex and that’s why it is never emotional or heartfelt with him. But whenever I say that to him he says it isn’t. I don’t know what to do. I know he is trying but it makes me feel so miserable thinking this needs to be forced and him showing how much he loves me through sex can’t be done.
      Thank you

      • janelle /

        Hey Rachel, so sorry I only just saw your message… The problem is simple, porn desensitizes men sexually and hardens their hearts to feeling connection. They get turned on by the hard fuck and forget it’s not real. Try asking him to slow down this is really important and ask him to look at you when me makes love to you. You can even try breathing in sync (research some trantric heart opening exercises for more info on this). Some other important points are to remember men dont have to come every time to still enjoy themselves, just like women, they like the closeness. Remember to never make it your fault, you are a beautifully aware woman who only wants what every one wants and that is to feel love and connection… Let me know how you go honey. x

    23. Sayantani /

      Hi,

      I read through your wonderful article and I truly believe you have touched the right chords. The reason behind reading this article was because I was suffering in a wird dilemma myself and I must admit that it helped me a lot in getting somethings clarified.

      I consider myself very emotionally unattached but I guess you are right. the degree of emotions varies but at some point all ladies are emotional. But I want to point out a small difference of opinion with you. Many ladies can actually handle the one night stand without getting emotionally attached. It is the other type of sexual relationship that creates problem for ladies. And that is friends with benefits!

      If you sleep with a guy one night you really dont care ablout him or his existence the next day. But if you have a friend with whom you are doing it occassionally based on each others need you tend to become emotionally dependant and also possessive about him. I am going through that phase and was utterly confused why I felt so hurt when I came to know that he is hitting on some other girls. I shouted, threw tamtrums and thrashed him dearly, even went ahead and hit him, but all in a feat of rage and ofcourse under the influence of alcohol.

      Next thing I know is I am feeling miserable and dont know what to do. He promised he would not flirt with girls without telling me but that does not solve the purpose. My problem is not him spoiling reputation in office by doing these cheap stunts, but I am just possessive which I have no rights to. It was my concious decision to start a emotionless physical realtionship and now I am stuck with this foreign feeling inside me.

      So after reading your article and analysing my personal experience, I have decided not to indulge in sex anymore with him. We will still be great friends as we confide in each other about everything, I am just cutting of the sexual attachment from the existing package. It might be difficult to suddenly cut this tie, but I suppose it is the best way to handle this situation, specifically when I do not want any kind of permanent relationship with him other that friendship.

      I do not know if my case helps your blog, but your article truly helped my mind and soul. thank you for all of it :)

      • janelle /

        Thank you for sharing your story and opinion, it means a lot to me that people ‘out there’ are moved by my writing. much love to you brave woman. xx

    24. My wife has many “swinger” friends that say that even though they are married and have been happily married for 25+ years, even still they will get attached after sex – but they have taught their monkey minds to understand the difference between real love they are getting and just a fling (but still they get some what attached even then!)

      It comes down to the “energetic” hormones and chemicals that create sex…. and specifically after having sex with out a condom! Women will get addicted to the chemicals from semen and will build more of an attachment then with condoms.

      In fact most “rebounds” happen when a woman has been getting sex and receiving an internal copulation – they are addicted to the “feel good” and “attachment” chemicals made up in semen!

      Amazing really.

      -Richard Mays

      • janelle /

        Wow love your insight Richard… Makes perfect sense really. Thanks for sharing. x

    25. Catherine /

      Hi Janelle! Thanks for the post, it’s very interesting to read although I do have a question to ask. You’ve written in your article that:

      “Every woman wants to feel love and connection, we need it for our very survival, that is one of the most common reasons why committed partners have affairs, to get their need for love and connection fulfilled.”

      I was once told that the number of married women having affairs is in fact much bigger than many people thought. So here comes the question: do you think for married women, who just want to have causal sex because their sex life with her husband is not so great, the chance of getting emotionally attached is small?

      Cheers,
      Catherine

      • janelle /

        I do agree Catherine that is possible but the longer it goes on for the higher the risk of getting emotionally involved. I’d enter into such an arrangement with an honest heart… No one likes to be lied to and betrayed. An easier solution would be to get your partner to re-engage and re-connect with you for some hotter sexier sex.. less hearts broken and less risk involved. Hope it all works out hon. xx

    26. Well, how would one go about having a ‘Friends With Benefits’after they have actually dated?

      I was seeing a guy for 3 months and we got along really well. Did the whole dinner date, movies & a couple of lunches but because of his work we only saw each other a few times each month (text nearly every day). Anyway, when he said he wasn’t interested in a relationship and just wanted to remain friends, it was me who said ‘friends with benefits’ and of course, he was all for it. He acts likes a friend for the first few hours of us catching up, have sex and then it’s like ‘get the hell out of my house’ – rightio, whatever!

      I’ve now admitted I have an emotional attachment to him. I want a relationship with him again but still keeping it simple and relaxed like how we have it at the moment (text only when we want sex). He said we will be éxclusive’ towards each other and he wants to be friends (if anything happens in the future then he’s fine). I haven’t contacted him for 5 days now because I want to distance myself from the attachment.

      Do you honestly think you can have a ‘friends with benefit’after an actual relationship with them? Do you think it’s possible for a detatchment? I’m trying to grow some balls here as I don’t want to lose him as a friend but at the end of the day if it doesn’t work out, I can walk away with my head up high.

      • janelle /

        Hey Sarah, I get that you have probably totally moved on by now, I’m not the best at checking the back end of my site and totally missed your comment… my bad. I’d love to hear how things ended up. I think you have to distance yourself first to release the emotions and then you can fuck like friends without it being complicated… Better late than never x

    27. Dear Janelle, thank you for the fabulous blog! I have been involved with so many emotionally unavailable men over the years that I have become almost an expert in sex with no strings attached. I also feel the need for something more and get disappointed when that doesn’t happen. However, if this is the only way I can satisfy my innate need for sex and intimacy then so be it. I met men willing to commit but found them boring for one reason or another so choosing between great sex and a long-term committed relationship, I go for the former! I have no regrets. We can’t have it all and whoever says they do, I believe, they are lying. Maria x

    28. Andrea /

      I think the biggest problem with this is that it assumes everyone to view sex as an emotional and vulnrable activity, ignoring the fact that many progressive men an women alike view sex as nothing more than a recreational activity. I am currently 46 – I married at 40 to my best friend of 21 years. i always had emotionless sex and sex partners but never felt any emotions, frankly if any followed up or admired greater feelings for me I freaked. I may be a women but I’m neither monogamous or emotional and the idea of a strong emotional monogamous relationship is my idea of hell. I also love threesomes and group sex. My husband are not romantic but we are partners in life, always have been, we are completely open to have sexual relations outside the marriage and I don’t experience jealousy.

      Now I realize I’m the extreme, but women are perfectly capable of emotionless sex as long as they have mastered the skill of controlling there emotions. Your article is an embarrassment and insult to all progressive women who seek sexual liberty and don’t just care about getting married and having children.

      • janelle /

        Thanks Andrea for your comment. I agree that some women can have emotionless sex for recreational purposes and fun and hey, I’m one of them. However progressive or modern, the majority of women still do not get that it’s possible and struggle with emotional attachment and some might even say that the emotionless sex person is totally void of feeling with an open fearless heart but hey, no one is right here. For every one that disagrees with that article there are ten who email me thanking me… Guess as far as being progressive goes, there is more than one way of defining what that really means… I hope women in their fight for freedom do not lose touch with the feminine spirit of being an emotional woman. x

    29. WHat if the woman is sleeping with two different guys does she get emotionally attached to both guys or just one? What if she is already attached to one guy but cannot see him so sleeps with another will her attachment shift to the other or stay on the first?

      • janelle /

        Mary i do not know the answer to that question… There simply isnt a black and white answer. I guess your open heart will tell you the truth of that… x

    30. “[Men have:] A genetic predisposition to procreate and get as much practise in spreading their seed as possible… It’s what keeps the world populated. But unlike us girls, they can ‘do it’ without the emotional attachment, yes, that means wham bam thank you mamm!”

      This is just completely untrue. It is a terrible character of a man. It might be true of some men. For myself, I am having trouble with my emotions and attachment even without sex.

      • janelle /

        Jim thanks so much for your honest and truthful comment… I have many readers who also need to hear that. Thanks for taking the time to share. Kind regards Janelle

    31. I would disagree, and not simply because I feel it is entirely possible for a woman to have sex and not get attached, but also because I feel that looking at the sexes in general as men who sow wild oats instead of making emotional connections and women who fundamentally need that is old-fashioned and frankly, sexist. This article implied to me that you feel the majority of men to be detached and unwilling to commit to emotion unless lured in some manner and I don’t believe that is the case. I think regardless of gender there are people who provide the emotional balance in a relationship, and if you were to look more closely you would find a fairly even division of emotion between partners of all sexes. I find it hard to swallow blanket statements, as well as a premise which takes an overly-simplified theory and lays it on top of advice. There are always infinitely more sides to the story, and you injure mankind as a whole by belittling it into such broad and ill-defined groups. I would be interested on hearing about what you thought about this article. Thank you for your time.

      http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/1659334/

      • janelle /

        Hi Britt, The article came about as a response to many women emailing me who was having this problem and wanted help in understanding why and how to solve it. I had no intention of making blanket statements and believe there are far many other ideal situations that work for both men and women when it comes to sex… However, it is true for ‘some people’ that sex causes emotional attachment and then distress when the attachment is unfulfilled, this is the issue I was addressing. I’ve never been called a sexist before, so thank you for being the first.. I will remember that as I continue to injure mankind with all of my nasty work.. ?

    32. Feedback from a man:

      I like your article so far and intend to read more, but I just wanted to address the generalization that men “can do it” without emotional attachment.

      Perhaps some or maybe many men can do this. I doubt that anyone has been able to ask every man on the planet whether he is able to engage in sex without an emotional attachment, therefore we have no final evidence to support the claim.

      But, as a man, I can speak for myself in this regard.

      And I can say that I am NOT emotionally detached in my current “friends with benefits” interaction.

      Somehow, my emotions always get in the mix, even with a non-committed interaction, like this one.

      I think I was emotionally detached in the beginning.
      Then, as I understood the amount of quality affection, tenderness, thoughtfulness and kindness that this woman shares with me, I began to open up a bit.

      For the first number of weeks, I would only kiss her on the cheek and rarely on the lips, not French kissing at all.

      As time passed and my emotions began to get involved and I found that we began French kissing. This particular form of kissing seems to make a strong emotional connection for each of us.

      There is a sense of caring and compassion for each other and the kissing seems to strengthen this “feeling.”

      Obviously, this is an example to the contrary of the author’s sentiment.

      For anyone reading this, I would encourage you to understand that men can also be emotionally-based. It depends on the man in question.

      The Myers-Briggs personality testing can help reveal your own tendencies as well as a potential mates.

      The Myers-Briggs testing postulates that people (both genders)are predominately either feelers or thinkers.

      If you know that you predominately “feel” what’s happening in your life, then you probably will fare better with a partner who feels life as well.

      And if you predominately “think” about what’s occurring in your life, then you will fare better with a partner who also is a thinker.

      A thinker’s life is filtered more through their thinking and less through their emotions.

      When a woman (who happens to predominately be a feeler) experiences an emotional awakening through intimacy, and she happens to be with a person who is predominately a thinker, then she suffers, because the thinker is already detached from living in their thoughts and will not meet her in an emotional sharing.

      “Friends with benefits” relationships/arrangements/understandings and casual sex without any strings are probably not the best idea for people who are predominately feelers. Why? Because they are not able to shut off their emotional nature.

      Those arrangements are probably best for people who are predominately thinkers because the emotional nature will not get involved and no one will be emotionally hurt.

      Final thoughts:

      For my own situation (of becoming emotional attached), I have thought that I should or could simply make myself less emotional, less involved. And perhaps it is possible to some degree. Maybe stopping the French kissing would be a help. But really, I can only go so far with this modification until I turn myself into someone that I’m not.

      Facing facts and admitting that “I’m a feeler that will always be emotionally-based,” is probably the wiser choice.

      And I will need to live my life and foresee potential consequences of choices, bearing this truth in mind and heart.

      I hope these ideas, coming from a man, will help someone here.

      May your journey be easier. :)

      • janelle /

        Stephen, Your comments are awesome thankyou. I believe you are correct as there is no black or white gender bias possible, my article is simply one view point to in which to engage feedback and interaction with people challenged by these ‘things’ in life. I love Myers Briggs but also am careful not to pidgeon hole people too much – they are just guidelines… Thanks for your input buddy.

        Regards, Janelle

    33. I think some of the commenters are confusing “sex without a relationship” and “sex without an emotional attachment.” If you slept with him to try and make him interested in you or ask you out, you already had emotions involved with that particular person before. So of course you’re gong to have an emotional attachment after sex. The question is are women capable of sex without emotional attachment at all. Like you meet a stranger in a bar, you’re attracted to him, go home with him, and walk away without feeling anything or ever wanting to see him again. The answer is some women can, some can’t. I don’t ever think it’s helpful to make sweeping judgements based on gender (to be fair there are probably some men who can’t have wax without developing an emotional attachment but they will never admit it) and that’s is the problem. Until we stop promoting stereotypes based on gender and saying that women can’t do anything without letting their emotions get involved, the double standard that punishes women for liking casual sex
      (and men who don’t) won’t go away.

      • janelle /

        Hi Em, Thanks for your comment… I totally agree. Gender bias is a huge problem and the more open minded we are the more we will grow and learn from each other. thanks for sharing your views. x

    34. elena /

      i was seeing a guy for 1 months and we got along really well. i liked himvery much at first Did the whole dinner date, movies & a couple of lunches but because of the distance we only saw each other a few times each month (text nearly every day). i know it was too soon but we were makin out after only 1 months or two i think, now we are togethere for 8 onths he says he loves me so much and i know that he does anything to makes me happy , it has been proved to me for several times,
      I’ve now admitted I have an emotional attachment to him. the sex is awsome i mean wow!! :D but i dont think that im in love with him, yes i do care for him as a friend, i do love him as a friend but as a guy who i have a relation :( .. i dont think so
      Do you honestly think you can have a ‘friends with benefit’after an actual relationship with them? Do you think it’s possible for a detatchment? I’m trying to grow some balls here as I don’t want to lose him as a friend but i know he cant bare it that way , im emotionally attached but im not in love, & it wont go there :\ what should i do?

      • janelle /

        Elena I think the only way forward to to be honest and speak your truth, you friend will respect that more than being strung along with the hope of deeper feelings. It’s always difficult when one partner loves another more. I’ve found in the past that time heals all wounds and if you do break up, just give home time to separate his emotions and heal then there is room for you to be friends and even continue a ‘friends with benefits’ relationship. This could take 6 months, so be patient. On the other had, the question that comes up that I’d like you to ask yourself is – Are you avoiding any deeper feelings due to your own past hurts and are you in any way protecting yourself from falling in love…? Only you can answer these questions honestly. Sometimes we just need to let people in… Hope that helps my friend. Regards Janelle xx

    35. neha /

      This has been true for me as well.. I got involved with another woman trying to keep it separate from friendship.. but eventually fell in love… she on the other hand is unaffected and now i have a heart break… :(

    36. There is certainly a lot to know about this issue.
      I really like all of the points you made.

    37. Christie /

      I’m of two minds. I have found that it’s easy for me to be 100% detached after sex IF the guy is the kind of guy I wouldn’t touch with a pole for dating even though he’s good looking. So if I know I’m not at all interested in his personality and just want his body it’s nothing, business as usual and a bit of fun scratching an itch. On the other hand, if I hook up with a guy who I find to be sweet, gentle, thoughtful and kind then I’m in for worlds of pain. The sadness even after a one-night stand with a guy who is so lovely but not into you is soul-destroying. My advice – do hot dudes you hate, or only have sex in a relationship or with yourself.

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