Can women have sex with a man and not get emotionally involved? And when is the right time to have sex with someone you meet…? Is there a right time?
Are women really capable of detaching from our emotional nature in order to have a short term win in the form of a one night stand or a ‘friends with benefits’ kind of relationship without getting involved?
And does any woman reallyhave sex for the sake of having sex and getting off or are there deeper needs she is trying to fulfill?
Emotional attachment is an inevitable and most likely outcome for women after sex as it is simply part of their nature. We are emotional beings, we feel and therefore we are. I read somewhere not so long ago that women tend to become emotionally connected for up to three weeks after a sexual encounter. When I thought about the reasons why that specific amount of time, I reasoned, 21 days to create a habit, 21 days to break one… Well I don’t actually agree with that statement for many reasons. The first one being, I believe you can break a habit immediately if you choose to and while it could take 21 days to create a habit, when it comes to sleeping with someone, well, that could only take 21 minutes.
Most importantly, the thing we need to remember is that women are emotional animals and yes, we are animals after all (let’s not forget that). Men on the other hand (whilst still animals…. grrr) have a different instinct to us girls…. A genetic predisposition to procreate and get as much practise in spreading their seed as possible… It’s what keeps the world populated. But unlike us girls, they can ‘do it’ without the emotional attachment, yes, that means wham bam thank you mamm!
But the question is, can women do the same thing without getting emotionally attached?
Are women truly capable of the kind of freedom that allows us to be sexually active without emotional attachment?
One of my long time friends, is the most gorgeous and enigmatic, energetic woman, open and free, well spoken, well put together, successful, confident and newly separated. She was married for nearly 7 years and is now finding herself for the first time perhaps in years. She looks and breathes confidence and regularly hooks up with delicious men. She says she just likes to F#&* and get out of there and is totally ok with nothing more…. But I beg to differ. I watch and listen very closely to her and notice times of self sabotaging behaviour, ridicule and moments where she beats herself up and is regretful (unbeknownst to her I see these things). Now she has never admitted she is lonely and wishes they’d call her, in fact, she blows off the ‘contact after sex’ and makes out she doesn’t want them to bother her but I suspect deep hurt at the underlying rejection that is really going on. Samantha says she is in control, but her non-actions might reflect the opposite view…
Another woman I know, admittedly loves sex, sleeps with whom ever she chooses, she is also confident but openly suffers the rejection and disappointment she feels after her ‘encounters’. She says she is has a great time, the best sex ever with her conquests and then gets let down when they do not call to ask her out a second time. I suspect her ‘good time gal’ attitude is more a cover up for what she really wants and is not getting. The connection she is getting from a casual encounter is a temporary relief for her lonely and frightened heart….. A tall diagnosis and it breaks my heart to see her in a constant state of pain. Her emotional attachment is obvious and with great expectations that are continuously being unfulfilled…
So this is what I have become to think and know… As a coach, a single sexually active woman and a friend to many women – we are not totally capable of having a sex without getting emotionally involved to some degree….. So be careful who you choose to have sex with ladies!
At the end of the day, no matter how tough and detached you think you are, you cannot lie to your natural instincts – you are an emotional being. There are many factors to consider when having sex with someone and many reasons why a woman would choose to go ‘there’. You’ve got physical attraction and wanting to shag a man just because he is gorgeous, intellectual attraction and that feeling of familiarity or similarity – he mentally stimulates you, feelings of love and wanting to share an intimate part of you, an expression of your love for another, the physical need to feel sexual relief…
No matter what the reason you choose to have sex with someone, there are several facts that remain. When you have sex, you surrender yourself to that person, as a woman you become vulnerable and raw and you open yourself and your body up to a level of intimacy that you only ever share with yourself (when self ‘loving’).
To share your body with another and expect that you will not be emotionally involved is really only lying to yourself.
When I ask women what their thoughts are on the word vulnerability, most of them say it’s a sign of weakness or they don’t feel safe when they are vulnerable and the reality is, during sex, you are your most vulnerable, especially with your emotional self.
So is a little temporary sexual relief and false moment of connection, really worth the sacrifice of your yearning heart and soul and the pain of suffering rejection?
And when the lucky guy does not call you after to tell you how fabulous you were, who then is in control? Are you really valueing yourself when you give of your most intimate self so freely?
How is being promiscuous with a near stranger giving yourself the gift of a well deserving partner who cherishes you? My educated best guess is, it’s not honouring you at all, not one single bit.
Every woman wants to feel love and connection, we need it for our very survival, that is one of the most common reasons why committed partners have affairs, to get their need for love and connection fulfilled. I don’t buy into any woman who tells me she can sleep with a man and not feel a little hurt that he is not begging to see her again, or calling with gratitude and offers for dinner dates…
If she does tell me she’s ok about his lack of after connection, I’d have to say I don’t believe it and really consider what is going on deep within her soul. I’d bet there is a state of some kind of denial happening and deep underlying fears at play… Most people really want to be loved and to love someone in return, so when do you decide to share your body as well without the risk of not being completely and lovingly received?
So here is the deal ladies and gents that will keep all of your emotions intact and have you making the right decisions that nurture and respect the most important person in the world…. You:
- Guys, call her the next day no matter what (even if you don’t want to see her again, it doesn’t hurt to say thank you, you were fabulous).
- Be honest and clear about your intentions. Do you want to sleep with that person with a view of starting a relationship, do you want to relieve an aching body or do you need some loving connection…?
- If you feel bad after an encounter or there are awkward moments or feelings afterward, then maybe it was not the right thing to do… right?
- Don’t lie to yourself, be honest. If you’ve really connected with someone you’ve just met, then do you think sleeping with them right away is going to get you what you ‘really’ want in the long run? Make them wait, because you are worth it.
- Men like to hunt and women gather, remember to give him something to chase if you want to see him again.
- If you want a good time and are willing to risk the emotional attachment then remember to do a ‘Cutting of Energetic Ties’ process after… ASK ME HOW
- Understand that their are energetic connections being made when you share a sexual encounter, your energies combine as does your bodies. Be prepared for the effects and impact of this on your soul.
- Guys, be conscious of who you want to be energetically and emotionally attached to you (after sex). It’s as much your responsibility as it is a woman’s.
- Leave judgements aside, if you want to do it, just do it (and guys, don’t hold that against her) this could be the best thing that has ever happened to both of you.
- If you are a woman and you suspect a case of post sex emotional attachment, then reconsider the decision to do it… Perhaps it’s best to go home and self sauce…
- Don’t expect men to get emotionally involved with you after a one nighter, any expectations may leave you disappointed. Be firm and stabel with your decisions.
- Communicate thoroughly with your partner of your intentions and where you stand so no one has any nasty surprises that can be hurtful. Honesty is the best policy.
- Hold out for as long as you can. When you have sex after really getting to know someone, there is less likely to be any feelings of rejection, as you have developed trust and strong foundations that will support your intimacy together.
- Some women have been known to sleep with men in order to make them like them more (in the hope of a relationship developing) if this is you, get real, what are you doing? Relationships rarely ever develop after a one nighter, first night, it’s a fairytale. Stay away ladies and value you a little more.
Men surveyed say they will take almost any opportunity to have sex that comes their way, but he will rarely have a relationship with a woman that puts out so easily. Can you believe that? We all know it’s true, so why do women still torture themselves with the hope that a sexual encounter will win over a man’s affections?
Or are women actually capable of having sex without attachment?
What are your thoughts? Do you have a story to share that will shed some light and help others make the decision to do it or not?
To have sex or not? To stay emotionally neutral or not, that is the question! I’d love to hear from you…