Can women have sex with a man and not get emotionally involved? And when is the right time to have sex with someone you meet…? Is there a right time?
Are women really capable of detaching from our emotional nature in order to have a short term win in the form of a one night stand or a ‘friends with benefits’ kind of relationship without getting involved?
And does any woman reallyhave sex for the sake of having sex and getting off or are there deeper needs she is trying to fulfill?
Emotional attachment is an inevitable and most likely outcome for women after sex as it is simply part of their nature. We are emotional beings, we feel and therefore we are. I read somewhere not so long ago that women tend to become emotionally connected for up to three weeks after a sexual encounter. When I thought about the reasons why that specific amount of time, I reasoned, 21 days to create a habit, 21 days to break one… Well I don’t actually agree with that statement for many reasons. The first one being, I believe you can break a habit immediately if you choose to and while it could take 21 days to create a habit, when it comes to sleeping with someone, well, that could only take 21 minutes.
Most importantly, the thing we need to remember is that women are emotional animals and yes, we are animals after all (let’s not forget that). Men on the other hand (whilst still animals…. grrr) have a different instinct to us girls…. A genetic predisposition to procreate and get as much practise in spreading their seed as possible… It’s what keeps the world populated. But unlike us girls, they can ‘do it’ without the emotional attachment, yes, that means wham bam thank you mamm!
But the question is, can women do the same thing without getting emotionally attached?
Are women truly capable of the kind of freedom that allows us to be sexually active without emotional attachment?
One of my long time friends, is the most gorgeous and enigmatic, energetic woman, open and free, well spoken, well put together, successful, confident and newly separated. She was married for nearly 7 years and is now finding herself for the first time perhaps in years. She looks and breathes confidence and regularly hooks up with delicious men. She says she just likes to F#&* and get out of there and is totally ok with nothing more…. But I beg to differ. I watch and listen very closely to her and notice times of self sabotaging behaviour, ridicule and moments where she beats herself up and is regretful (unbeknownst to her I see these things). Now she has never admitted she is lonely and wishes they’d call her, in fact, she blows off the ‘contact after sex’ and makes out she doesn’t want them to bother her but I suspect deep hurt at the underlying rejection that is really going on. Samantha says she is in control, but her non-actions might reflect the opposite view…
Another woman I know, admittedly loves sex, sleeps with whom ever she chooses, she is also confident but openly suffers the rejection and disappointment she feels after her ‘encounters’. She says she is has a great time, the best sex ever with her conquests and then gets let down when they do not call to ask her out a second time. I suspect her ‘good time gal’ attitude is more a cover up for what she really wants and is not getting. The connection she is getting from a casual encounter is a temporary relief for her lonely and frightened heart….. A tall diagnosis and it breaks my heart to see her in a constant state of pain. Her emotional attachment is obvious and with great expectations that are continuously being unfulfilled…
So this is what I have become to think and know… As a coach, a single sexually active woman and a friend to many women – we are not totally capable of having a sex without getting emotionally involved to some degree….. So be careful who you choose to have sex with ladies!
At the end of the day, no matter how tough and detached you think you are, you cannot lie to your natural instincts – you are an emotional being. There are many factors to consider when having sex with someone and many reasons why a woman would choose to go ‘there’. You’ve got physical attraction and wanting to shag a man just because he is gorgeous, intellectual attraction and that feeling of familiarity or similarity – he mentally stimulates you, feelings of love and wanting to share an intimate part of you, an expression of your love for another, the physical need to feel sexual relief…
No matter what the reason you choose to have sex with someone, there are several facts that remain. When you have sex, you surrender yourself to that person, as a woman you become vulnerable and raw and you open yourself and your body up to a level of intimacy that you only ever share with yourself (when self ‘loving’).
To share your body with another and expect that you will not be emotionally involved is really only lying to yourself.
When I ask women what their thoughts are on the word vulnerability, most of them say it’s a sign of weakness or they don’t feel safe when they are vulnerable and the reality is, during sex, you are your most vulnerable, especially with your emotional self.
So is a little temporary sexual relief and false moment of connection, really worth the sacrifice of your yearning heart and soul and the pain of suffering rejection?
And when the lucky guy does not call you after to tell you how fabulous you were, who then is in control? Are you really valueing yourself when you give of your most intimate self so freely?
How is being promiscuous with a near stranger giving yourself the gift of a well deserving partner who cherishes you? My educated best guess is, it’s not honouring you at all, not one single bit.
Every woman wants to feel love and connection, we need it for our very survival, that is one of the most common reasons why committed partners have affairs, to get their need for love and connection fulfilled. I don’t buy into any woman who tells me she can sleep with a man and not feel a little hurt that he is not begging to see her again, or calling with gratitude and offers for dinner dates…
If she does tell me she’s ok about his lack of after connection, I’d have to say I don’t believe it and really consider what is going on deep within her soul. I’d bet there is a state of some kind of denial happening and deep underlying fears at play… Most people really want to be loved and to love someone in return, so when do you decide to share your body as well without the risk of not being completely and lovingly received?
So here is the deal ladies and gents that will keep all of your emotions intact and have you making the right decisions that nurture and respect the most important person in the world…. You:
- Guys, call her the next day no matter what (even if you don’t want to see her again, it doesn’t hurt to say thank you, you were fabulous).
- Be honest and clear about your intentions. Do you want to sleep with that person with a view of starting a relationship, do you want to relieve an aching body or do you need some loving connection…?
- If you feel bad after an encounter or there are awkward moments or feelings afterward, then maybe it was not the right thing to do… right?
- Don’t lie to yourself, be honest. If you’ve really connected with someone you’ve just met, then do you think sleeping with them right away is going to get you what you ‘really’ want in the long run? Make them wait, because you are worth it.
- Men like to hunt and women gather, remember to give him something to chase if you want to see him again.
- If you want a good time and are willing to risk the emotional attachment then remember to do a ‘Cutting of Energetic Ties’ process after… ASK ME HOW
- Understand that their are energetic connections being made when you share a sexual encounter, your energies combine as does your bodies. Be prepared for the effects and impact of this on your soul.
- Guys, be conscious of who you want to be energetically and emotionally attached to you (after sex). It’s as much your responsibility as it is a woman’s.
- Leave judgements aside, if you want to do it, just do it (and guys, don’t hold that against her) this could be the best thing that has ever happened to both of you.
- If you are a woman and you suspect a case of post sex emotional attachment, then reconsider the decision to do it… Perhaps it’s best to go home and self sauce…
- Don’t expect men to get emotionally involved with you after a one nighter, any expectations may leave you disappointed. Be firm and stabel with your decisions.
- Communicate thoroughly with your partner of your intentions and where you stand so no one has any nasty surprises that can be hurtful. Honesty is the best policy.
- Hold out for as long as you can. When you have sex after really getting to know someone, there is less likely to be any feelings of rejection, as you have developed trust and strong foundations that will support your intimacy together.
- Some women have been known to sleep with men in order to make them like them more (in the hope of a relationship developing) if this is you, get real, what are you doing? Relationships rarely ever develop after a one nighter, first night, it’s a fairytale. Stay away ladies and value you a little more.
Men surveyed say they will take almost any opportunity to have sex that comes their way, but he will rarely have a relationship with a woman that puts out so easily. Can you believe that? We all know it’s true, so why do women still torture themselves with the hope that a sexual encounter will win over a man’s affections?
Or are women actually capable of having sex without attachment?
What are your thoughts? Do you have a story to share that will shed some light and help others make the decision to do it or not?
To have sex or not? To stay emotionally neutral or not, that is the question! I’d love to hear from you…
With lovin
Janelle Manton
Hi Janelle and readers
I must say that I TOTALLY disagree with you on this one!! Sex is great fun and its great to share. I had a one night stand thats lasted 16 years it is areal affair of the heart and mind and soul…and sex just keeps getting better and better mmm…my husband introduced me to the idea of sharing our passion and we do so on a regular basis…i have discovered just how beautiful it is to love another womans body…it breaks down a lot of barriers and is very intimate…..kissing and Fxxing ag are the best….of course to go into a sexual encounter expecting everlasting love is unrealistic but to put that demand on the encounter is not sensible. To me the idea of witholding sex is not a good thing unless of course your juices arent flowing. I think women are taught that they are only allowed sex with one guy and this can lead to them getting hurt. It is so lovely to have the freedom to admire and take pleasure from more than one person. We just met a lovely couple in their sixties who are great fun and who have been sharing their love for over thirty years..very sexy too
. I find in my job that their are hundreds of women suffering from low libido in their 50s…I think because their fantasy life has been restricted…..sex is so good and is even good for you too…spread the love I say
Thank you so much for sharing Linda, I love it and personally, agree. I also think it’s a very subjective topic that is different for all women. I recently came across opposing thoughts of this subject and wanted to put it out there… Love your work honey. xxx
I absolutely agree with Janelle on all counts!! I can speak from personal experience, premature sex has completely lead to emotional attachments each and every time, inevitably resulting with disappointment and self loathing. In my mid 20′s into my mid 30′s, I discovered the hard way that sex was never for just the physical pleasure, as much as I wanted to fool myself into believing. Janelle is correct, at the very most there maybe a short term, temporary relief, but it doesn’t last and it not worth the consequences…which was myself. There was always a greater need, than just sex. There was always a desire for something more. I was lacking self love and self worth to admit that sex was a way to have the man like me. Yet it actually “does” the opposite. Any respecting man worth his keep, “respects a woman who respects herself”. That’s the type of woman, he wants to build a relationship with. The woman who is too eager to just “give herself”, well, he is human and although he may have sex with you, doesn’t mean he wants to pursue a relationship. I’ve learned, the degree of self esteem sacrificed by having sex with a man too soon, is not worth it!
Love your comment Samantha… Thank you for sharing…x
So dead on right! I’m in my 30′s and I WON’T share my body with just anyone that asks, and believe me: they do…. it’s a precious temple and maybe one day in an emotionally commited relationship, that gets commited wwayyyy before the sexual act, then I’ll explore opening up myself physically and sharing that part of me. Why should guys buy the cow if they can get the milk for free? Plenty of guys actually agree with me and tell me they totally respect where I’m headed… Sure, we’re all animals, but the difference between us and the ones further down the food chain is the one thing we have but don’t use nearly as often as we should: self-control. Many of our problems can be solved by developing this one trait!
hi janelle! i was looking for somethng very much similar about understanding females. im smart and hansome.. yet i was not the first one in the life of my GAL. she was cheating me till one day i caught her. i was shattered, cudnt accept it as i already planned to get married to her. and it hurted me more cos i cudnt find out why she did that to me. but now i knw after reading your article, that still she cudnt forget me cos she somehow got emotionally attached to me.
i feel much much better. but i still need to talk to u more.. can we? please?
well i was with a guy over a year we had a lot of great sex, we went dinners and spend some weekends but i was not feeling any love from him meanwhile i was just falling him deeply. finally i asked him what is going on are we couple . he said he cannot be couple with me because he has no emotional attachment to me!! OUCH!! after year of dating sleeping having great time and great connection when we were together! i was reading signs very wrong because of my emotions. when he invited me to see a concert i was thinking he want to hang out with me he want to spend time with me but his mind it was only invitation to free no committed sex!! so i fell for him deeply but he said he has no emotional attachment!! so yes we had sex same amount we spend same amount of time it make emotionally attached to him but he just see as sex!! ladies i think it is time to stop this.. i am tired to have a date and after 3rd date feel pressure that guys expect to have sex.. if you dont they move on to next date because all the girls are having sex to get realtionship. and guys just using us!!.. if you do they are not emotionally attached to you after a year of spending time and they use you!!
Post Mortem on my short lived Fling
I never have thought about doing this before until i recently met a guy whom i really liked , but he wasnt looking for a relationship. Well, somehow things happenned and we ended up making out a few times, but we didnt have sex (even till now as I am a virgin and intend to be that way until marriage) And if you were to ask me consciously whether i would do this no strings attached thing, I wouldnt, in my right frame of mind. But the truth is I really really liked him and the first time we made out, i was under the false impression that we would begin dating. I thought he changed his mind. Which didnt happen. Second time around was just cos i was so addicted to him i dont know why. He is gorgeous, funny, hot, etc. But after that we went thru hell of a few weeks of depression, dillemma when all i can think about is him. And now I have decided that I will never ever make out with a guy if we are not in a committed relationship (him included). But at the same time i didnt regret the moments spent with him cos it was awesome. And most off all, im glad i didnt have sex with him and got pregnant. So if people can do it with a clear mind ( i kind of expected the withdrawal symptoms of unhappiness etc), and go in with minimum expectations (eg i dont really expect him to be my bf after making out) then by all means – give it a try to MAKE OUT but dont have sex as i think it will mess up with your mind. I didnt even have sex /orgasm and it already messed with my mind. Imagine the emotional mess I will be in if I had both. – its a good experience in life and i understand myself more in the process
P.S that having been said- he was yummy in bed lol
I am a Married woman for 12 yr now and I just had sex with a married man a few days ago we have k own each other for many years and have flirted with one another
When ever we seen each other we always stayed in touch threw out the years we had one encounter
We’re we
Did some making out about a year ago and just a few days ago we met up went to his house and had very hot passionate !!! Sex it was great and so intense he has not t x t me since I txt him to get a number from him that I needed do to work I kept it short and simple he gave me the. Number and I said thank you but he did carry on the.conversation and I haven’t heard from him I know that he is off for the next two days and is hOme with his family Ut my question is should I txt him again in a few days and tell him what a good time I had ?? Or should I wait to her from him I don’t want to have any strings attached just sex !! I am married and don’t plan on leaving my husband for any one just like to have a little fun should I be straight out and tell him that so be DOESENT think I am being clingy or should I except the fact that maybe he is no longer INTRESTED in me or having a fling that DOESENT mean a thing ???
This article is just what I needed. I am a person who forms attachment after sex and it has actually been a relief to learn recently that chemicals play a large role.
I also have known for 20 years that it fades at about 2 weeks and at 2 months I am over it (unless it was a long term relationship- speaking of new sex here).
I recently played out a life long fantasy of being with another woman. I had no idea that the same rules would apply, I am basiccally straight! The first time I felt the heart tugging ( big surprise to me) bit I figured it would fade at 3 weeks. It did and the forth week I knew that I thought she was a cool person and I liked her, but I didn’t *need* to see her again. We met up a few nights ago and BAM I have to wait out the three week period again to feel whole, stop thinking about her.
I have had this heartache for a couple of days even though I know it is chemicals. Thank you for the reminder.
Hi Janelle
I totally agree with you on this article. in my own case i tend to be emotionally attached to a guy after having sex with him (but for more than one time), even when i tell my self that i wouldn’t. its is virtually impossible to have sex with a guy with being emotional attached…..talking from my experience.
I met a guy on a dating site. I had not had sex 4 over a year and when we hooked up it was instant attraction and we had sex immediately. Next day he emailed me and we made plans to hookup again by da 2nd day. Thereafter every week. Now after a month he admits his emotions is getting the better of him. I know his fallen in love with me and likewise. We are so intense when we make love and we talk long after that about so many things and he admits that this is not how it was suppose to be. His married and his christian principles are convicting him and wants to end it but we have this bond that scares us both. He says it feels like we have known each other 4 a lifetime. All this is true and I love him with a quiet easy yet passionate love that leaves me amazed. My ex lover and friends say they have never seen me like this. This love is so rare that I cannot give up and walk away.
I am a happily married woman of 9 yrs, with a amazing loving husband, but a few months ago I got involved online with a guy I knew yrs before! It was so exciting and fun to get that attention, and for 3 weeks we messaged each other all day and it was very sexual and intense,he then asked me to come to his house for sex and I went without thinking twice!the sex was amazing and lasted all day,and although I felt guilty afterward I still really wanted to see him again,and its was very obvious he got what he wanted and was no longer intrested! I kept messaging him for 2 weeks after trying desperately to get some kind of approval (which has never been like me)and just felt worse every time! I didn’t have strong feelings for him and I love my husband so its been very confusing,I think the fact he knew me and was at my wedding I didn’t expect to be treated with such disregard. Its been a few months but the pain and humiliation I feel is terrible!
I’m trying to find out, (& I’ve searched) if women get emotional from having lesser sex, and physical attention?
I’m in a relationship, been with this guy for just over 3 years and he’s 26, I’m nearly 30 and at my sexual peak, and he’d rather be sitting on his phone or Xbox and when we do eventually have sex it doesn’t last long and I’m just warmed up to it.
Please help.
Depends on how good the sex is
U right Janelle m experiencing it right now. I had sex with no intentions of involvement bt now its haunting me… i agree with yu lets not rush into sex