Alcohol and Intimacy are not Friends!

I loved my husband so much, we were close, happy and had a great time in our ten years of marriage… In the early days our fun was very social, it revolved around spending time with friends in exotic locations, Hawaii, Monterey California to name a few. We had many nights enjoying house parties, dinner parties, Sunday’s by the pool, we had a great time, then…

But times changed, we grew up and our friends moved in different directions, some got married, moved overseas and I became a mother.  My desire to drink all the time quickly stopped with pregnancy, then months of sleepless nights then just plain old exhaustion and this underlying sense of responsibility.

As time rolled on and I became ‘normal’ again I realised that the desire to drink alcohol all the time had completely gone. What I found instead was in order to feel like I was bonding with my husband,  I needed to drink with him.  I eventually became resentful because I didn’t want to drink everyday in order to connect with him…

As time went by, complacency kicked in, amongst other challenges and the need to have some serious conversations became obvious. It was then that I got really shitty because it didn’t matter how much I told him he ‘changed’ when he drank, he didn’t believe me.  I got tired of his voice raising unreasonably, tired of the constant debate and unrealistic view points on our declining connection, tired of drinking every night instead of connecting with me, the woman he was supposed to love.

He never hit me, always went to work and achieved great results and cared and provided for our children, so how could he possibly have a problem with alcohol management?  The fact that it was a problem for me and our ability to be really connected didn’t seem to matter enough.  I  thought if he wasn’t going to put the time in to talk to me and discuss our future ‘like he cared’, I wasn’t going to feel like being intimate with him.

So our sex life was also impacted, he stayed up late watching TV, I went to bed early hoping he’d follow me… Now please don’t get me wrong, he is an honourable and great man, we simply opposed ideas of sobriety and intimacy!

A relationship can only sustain this kind of imbalance for so long… Something has got to give. In our case it was me - for many reasons most of which were my own, I left.  The challenge I now see in a lot of relationships as a coach, is how much alcohol is like wearing a disguise, it hides the real you with a mask of  happy, sad, uninhibited, grouchy, fearlessness… In any case the real emotions are avoided.

Daily alcohol consumption is a betrayal of self and is a false layer of protection that hides the real truth of your emotions… How can anyone have a real relationship when someone  is always partying, numbed by the subtly of one too many glasses of wine?

Beside the physical side effects of long term drinking; increased weight, heart disease risks, diabetes etc… The emotional side effects could very well cost you more. How about your family? Your job? Your self esteem and confidence are impacted? What about your creativity and your intuition?  Your judgement is impaired, your reality shifts and with regular drinking can actually stay wacked (that’s a professional term).

All of these life giving elements are numbed when you drink alcohol. So ask yourself, what do you have to lose, how good does it really make you feel? Are you being your authentic self? Are you making decisions that empower you or take your power away? And who wants drunk sex all the time anyway?

A true Goddess and Warrior deserves to feel everything - intimately…your body, emotions, your spirit at play, you mind racing with anticipation your skin tingling…

Some of my friends might argue that they still see me drink every now and then, so who am i to talk about not drinking… But the difference is I only drink every now and then, a special occasion you might say.  I hope that you may enjoy the infrequency of a glass every now and then and be the power house of clarity, love and intimacy in the meantime.  if you want to talk about how you can receive and give more intimacy freely with your partner, please contact me. I can help xxx

Yours Real and Raw

Janelle Manton

January Bliss Tip

It’s the first week of another year, a great time to indulge in some loving connection and fun while we’re all kicking back and relaxing with loved ones. Whether you are in a cold climate or warm climate right now, it is time to enjoy the loving touch of a warm set of hands caressing your body, soft lips nibbling you, hard body enjoying you….  Connection with a lover is not only good for your body (losing calories, releasing tension and stress) but your mind also gets a fresh rush of feel good endorphins. I urge you to open your mind to your ‘Adventurous’ side and try something new and exciting in loveland….

How awesome will this year be if, on top of your career and success goals, you added some sexy loving goals too?  A healthy dose of sensuality and sexuality can have a direct benefit on your self esteem and confidence, how much more could you use right now?   With a partner or alone, everybody deserves sexy loving fun, so if you are single, this months Bliss Tip is for you too… Get the picture?

Online Dating Anyone?

If you are a single girl or guy - listen up.

With long work hours, families, clubs and pubs being less desirable as you get older, how are you going about meeting new people?  It seems the days of meeting someone out and about are slowly closing in as we get older, so where do all the gorgeous over 30’s plus go these days to meet other singles? Online! It’s in epic proportions and with some great successes… Let’s take a look at how you can get started, or improve your game.

Are you considering online dating?  Want to get more out of your current dating experiences?

Do you want to know how you can date and time manage?

Online Dating Magazine estimates that more than 20 million people a month visit online dating services. But not all online dating services are alike. The majority of online dating services force a person to pay in order to respond (and sometimes even read) a communication they receive from a paying member.  But you’d be spending money if you were going out to meet people too, right? So let’s look at how you can meet some great people, spend less and enjoy every date.

Now you’ve got a plethora of sites to choose from - Plenty of Fish, RSVP, Oasis, Lava life, Adult Matchmaker, Global Love, eHarmony, Aussie Match Maker, Hook Me Up… this list is endless and continues with specific sites for more mature people, Christians, vegetarians, over 55’s  just to name a few .  Google online dating sites and ask around - you’ll be surprised at how many people are enjoying online dating.

This article is about how you can have an incredible date, every time and discover the secrets to having an awesome profile that lets you stand out and above the other few million people.

Over the course of several years I have been on many dates, some better than others, some not so good but not totally unpleasant. Some were fun and interesting and others were just plain boring but of great value still. I’ve come to decipher how to ‘cull’ and short list potentials before I accept the invitation to date - how to sort quickly, because who really has time to waste?

If you are first time online dater, there are a few things you should consider…

I’ve heard some incredible stories from male friends about the women and men they have dated online and here is a list of things you seriously want to avoid:

• Spending the whole time talking about your ex, what went wrong and how much he/she hurt you - it’s just boring and bad form. If this is you, get a coach and work through your emotions before you start dating.
• Being guarded and pretentious , just be your authentic self
• Not being completely truthful about your vocation, habits, activities or lifestyle
• Having too high expectations and go out thinking he/she is ‘the one’
• Feeling the date was fabulous and then stalking being needy and clingy afterward, let him make the first move after the date
• Sleeping with your date on the first night - major faux par if you want to be taken seriously
• Getting drunk and sloppy - is this the kind of first impression you want to leave?
• Talking just about work and not about who you really are - be open with your conversations
• Asking about finances, how much s/he earns and what assets they have (can you believe some people actually do that?)
• Heavy flirting or ‘prick teasing’ - take your time!
• Start talking about sex and your favourite sexy weekend… it’s tacky and gives the wrong impression

Ok, now that is just a snap shot of what not to do, I think you get the picture…

So how do you start online dating the Top Secret Women’s way, what are the rules for gals and guys?  Follow these simple suggestions and get off to a great start:

• Find a site that suits your budget and desires. Some sites are free and allow for free emails to be sent back and forward immediately and some you have to pay but have better quality leads - I would prefer to filter immediate contact and have preference to pick and choose who I am in contact with. Ask around and see what you would prefer - do the research.
• Sorting quickly it’s an important factor in online dating. Manage your time and how much time you allow to search and respond.
• Have a checklist of traits and values that are important to you and read profiles with an open mind - they are subjective and certainly what you may want to hear but not what you may get. Know your own values (what’s most important to you in life). Usually you want someone who is like you. Consider if what you want is realistic and ask yourself if you are the kind of man/woman that checklist person would be looking for? Adjust accordingly…
• Know what you want and be aware of what you are willing to compromise - You may need to go on a few dates to get really clear, so start with an open mind. Character traits, values and beliefs are way more important than looks at the end of the day. Know what you are willing to compromise in advance to save yourself time.
• Prepare your mindset for getting back into the world of dating. I realise it may have been a while since you last dated, perhaps you never have, so taking the leap into the dating world can be a big one. That is why it’s important to prepare yourself mentally. Heal, build confidence and ask for help if you can’t do that on your own. Sometimes your life experiences leave you with emotional scars or bruises… Ask yourself if it’s time to move forward and consider your options for doing so. It might be time to get your very own personal lifestyle coach. You can call Janelle on 1300 88 69 82
• Avoid emailing back and forward for too long. You wouldn’t do that with someone you met in person, so why do it here. Lengthy emails can give a false sense of who you are and it’s too easy to tell it how you wish it was as opposed to how you a really are. Take a look at the communication model… only 7% is words, 38% is tonality and 55% is physiology… This means you will get to know a whole more about a person by meeting them in person. I always make a point to meet ASAP… there has to be physical chemistry and the only way to find out if you have that is to meet in person. It may be important to establish key interest factors prior (via email) and then jump to it, times a wasting.
• Be truthful, mysterious, positive and succinct on your profile. Cut to the chase, very few people have time to read an epic saga, be original and tell people the key things that are important to you, what you love, are passionate about and what you really want. Avoid statements that are all about what you don’t want, keep it real and be invitingly positive… Only talk about what you want and who you are and be as honest as possible. Include recent pictures that are stylish and do not have pictures of you holding alcohol - not a good look ladies or the ex partner cropped out… ARGH! And do not write anything about wanting a partner who can look after you financially - they will run a mile and besides being really bad form, you really should be seeking your independence so you can be in a complimentary relationship!
• Never publish your phone numbers or personal contact information.

Take a look at these two examples and you decide which one sounds the best:

• Username: lonelyaussie09
• Tagline: Lonely person looking for life-long love
• Profile: I’m recently divorced and hate being alone. Everyone says to try online dating, so here I am… ARGH!!!

• Username: funliving1 adventurous40 motivated01
• Tagline: fun loving go getter is ready to rock n roll and share adventures, so how you doing?
• Profile: I appreciate the many adventures life has to offer and am looking for a fun and like minded person to make fond memories with… I am…

It’s easy to see out of the two samples who are going to be more fun, more interesting and level headed, right?

• Be realistic about your expectations. Your profile is a snap shot of your personality, quirkiness, sense of humour, likes and desires, there is so much that can’t be written or adequately explained on a computer… so go easy on your date - even if you don’t want to date them again, you will have a great time by accepting them, being caring and listen… You may be surprised at what you find… J
• Scan other Profiles of the same sex to see what others are writing and consider how you can be original and stand out. There is a lot to learn about what not to write and how you can stand out. Research.
• Know what you want to achieve from dating.
• Always look great, whatever your income. Gorgeous hair and some lipstick with rags will still turn his head. You have the advantage. You are the woman. Look your best as you could meet a potential Mr. Right anywhere at any time and not just online…
• Register for REAL & RAW e MAG on http://topsecretwomensbusiness.com and you will receive your free copy of the exclusive report EVERY GALS GUIDE TO LOOKING LIKE A GODDESS for FREE (valued at $19) - It’s loaded with tips and how to’s for looking gorgeous.
• Stay in shape and involve some fitness regime at a gym or outside. Taking care of yourself starts here.

So now you have done the ground work it’s time to go on a date

The first one is always the hardest and I wish I knew then, what I know now.  My first ever online date was with a lovely man but he was about a foot shorter than me and smoked… Read profiles carefully… Needless to say, I spent 5 hours talking with him and had a wonderful time. Did I want to date him again? No. But I did become friends with him… So stay open minded - you could meet some fabulous new friends.

Tips for having a great date:

• Meet in a public place with lots of people around on mutual ground where you both meet half way- Not only is this a safety issue but it gives you something to talk about… people watching, atmosphere etc
• It’s always best to meet for a coffee only on the first date. Coffee allows for you to linger to lunch or dinner if you wish to spend more time together and gives you an out if it’s not going so well. Dinner could be a long and painful experience with someone who has misrepresented themselves.
• Keep dates brief, but your men interested. Less is always more. Remember men love the hunt, keep the magic alive but do not play games. Be real and raw. A little elusiveness as a woman goes a long way.
• Actively listen to your date and reciprocate even, effective communication. Active listening is listening with intent to learn about the other person. Remember the one asking all the questions is the one in control, so ask questions and remember to answer them too. Be open to asking quality questions that reveal the true nature of your date but remember what you ask, you may have to also answer.
• Be open-minded and trust your intuition. First impressions say a lot about a person but do not be too quick to judge… Remember this is supposed to be fun and most people feel the same as you and have only positive intentions.
• What you think you attract. So, if you are having bad experiences all the time, consider what you are putting ‘out there’. Sometimes you have to look in the mirror - at yourself, to see what is going on around you. Take responsibility for what you can do to change the situation. Know why you are dating. If you are lonely, then be sure to not ooze that vibe on your date, it can be scary and you will attract the same - is that what you want? Confidence, assertiveness and real is best - Want help getting it, call us for coaching 1300 88 68 82
• HAVE FUN - it’s only life after all.

This is just a snap shot of where to start. Dating is just that, a snap shot. It’s not a relationship.  It’s a starting point and can be a lot of fun, especially when you do not put too much expectation on the result. Friends first, then let’s see what happens. The right relationship will happen when it’s right for both parties.  This is a guide only, so use it wisely and make up your own mind as to what is right for you.

If you would like assistance getting into the right mindset and learn more about how to mentally prepare yourself for dating again, then let’s talk.  You can call Top Secret Women’s Business on 1300 88 69 82 regarding your coaching enquiries.

Coaching is for men and women.

Remember the most important thing….. Have fun and keep it real baby!

Let go of Sexual Conditioning

The Ravenous Cougar

She is in her late 30’s and could even be approaching her 50’s and beyond.  She is assertive, well travelled, experienced in dealing with her evolving emotions and comfortable with her beloved body.  The modern ‘Cougar’ woman is seeking more, she is energetic, full of zest for life, craves vibrance and vulnerable connection that comes with unjaded innocence. She has had a colourful life to date, and is sure about what she wants.

The Cougar’s inhibitions have disappeared and she goes after what she wants.  She does not play games but simply asks for more of what she needs.  The Cougar knows who she is, has reached a paradigm in life that brings value to others, she is sexually experienced and has a ravenous need to have her body explored, devoured and enjoyed, and lives the laws of reciprocity… She knows herself too well and has a deep, yearning desire to share herself with a mate that will cherish her as much as she cherishes herself.  She is courageous yet soft and feminine, she moves with volition and with intention….  Her body is like that of a Goddess, soft, warm, mature, lived in and danced in… She owns her temple and knows how to use it. She will milk you if you let her…

She will milk you if you let her…

She will nurture you, if you let her. She will engulf you, if you let her.  She will get under your skin and lead the way, if you let her.  She will teach you things you never thought possible and take you to places you have only ever dreamed of, if you let her.  She will ‘up the anti’, raise the standard, deepen your resolve, if you let her….  She will take you on a journey toward enlightenment,  connect you with your mind, body and soul, if you let her…. She will ride you like a wild insatiable animal and kiss you like never before, if you let her.  She will show you passion, if you let her… And she will curl up and cry in your arms, if you let her….

Once upon a time I thought that this was a futile relationship, that of a young man and a more mature woman was a dead end and wrong…  Now I know, from personal experience,  that a cougar experience could be the most profound connection, most eye opening experience you both may ever enjoy.  If we as humans, chose to really live in this moment, right here and now, we would realise that any encounter, any connection is worthy of noticing - for a reason, season or a lifetime…

An opportunity is just that, an opportunity to learn even more about ourselves, another and share a unique bond…  There is more than one way to enjoy a relationship and in our changing world where the only boundaries are the ones we impose, why would you say no to such perfection?  A connection is a connection, an experience is just an experience - until we add meaning to it (be it our own or society’s).  I chose to live in the ‘hope of the wish fulfilled’ and if I ask the universe to bring me love and it comes in a youthful, spirited, spunky package, I will have the grace to simply say thank you!

Here’s to being a Cougar and ‘owning’ yet another facet of being a miraculous and magical ‘woman’!

Go Cougars…  Grrr!